Modification of the drawing technique "My family" - "The family I want" So, you have taken only the first steps to diagnose intra-family relations using such a simple and so universal test at the same time "My family". However, in order to look even deeper into the child's soul, you

Many studies have been devoted to family and marriage from antiquity to the present day. Even ancient thinkers Plato and Aristotle substantiated their views on marriage and family, criticized the type of family of their time and put forward projects for its transformation.

Science has extensive and reliable information about the nature of family relations in the history of the development of society. Family change has evolved from promiscuity (promiscuity), group marriage, matriarchy and patriarchy to monogamy. The family passed from a lower form to a higher one as society climbed the stages of development.

Based on ethnographic research, three eras can be distinguished in the history of mankind: savagery, barbarism and civilization. Each of them had its own social institutions, dominant forms of relations between a man and a woman, its own family.

A great contribution to the study of the dynamics of family relations in the history of the development of society was made by the Swiss historian I. Ya. Ba-hofen, who wrote the book "Maternal Law" (1861), and the Scottish lawyer J.F. McLennan, the author of the study "Primitive marriage" ( 1865).

The early stages of social development were characterized by the disorder of sexual relations. With the advent of childbirth, group marriage arose that regulated this relationship. Groups of men and women lived side by side and were in a "communal marriage" - each man considered himself the husband of all women. A group family was gradually formed, in which a woman held a special position. Through heterism (gynecocracy) - relations based on the high position of women in society - all peoples have passed in the direction of individual marriage and family. The children were in the women's group and only after growing up did they move to the group of men. Initially, endogamy dominated - free connections within the clan, then, as a result of the emergence of social "taboos", exogamy (from the Greek "exo" - outside and "gamos" - marriage) - the prohibition of marriages within "their" clans and the need to enter into it with members of other communities. The genus consisted of halves that emerged during the union of two linear exogamous tribes, or phratries (dual-clan organization), in each of which men and women could not marry each other, but found a mate among men and women of the other half of the genus ... The taboo of incest (the ban on incest) was investigated by E. Westermark. He proved that this powerful social norm strengthened the family. A consanguineous family appeared: marriage groups were divided by generations, sexual intercourse between parents and children was excluded.

Later, the punaluan family developed - a group marriage involving brothers with their wives or a group of sisters with their husbands. In such a family, sexual intercourse between sisters and brothers was excluded. Kinship was determined by the maternal line, paternity was unknown. Such families were observed by L. Morgan in the Indian tribes of North America.

Then a polygamous marriage was formed: polygamy, polyandry. Savages killed newborn girls, which resulted in a surplus of men in each tribe, and women had several husbands. In this situation, when paternal kinship was impossible to determine, maternal right was formed (the right to children remained with the mother).

Polygamy has arisen due to the significant loss of men during the wars. The men were few, and they had several wives.

The leading role in the family passed from a woman (matriarchy) to a man (patriarchy). At its core, patriarchy was associated with inheritance law, i.e. with the authority of the father, not the husband. The task of a woman was reduced to the birth of children, the heirs of the father. She was required to adhere to marital fidelity, since motherhood is always obvious, but fatherhood is not.

In the code of the Babylonian king Hammurabi several millennia BC, monogamy was proclaimed, but at the same time the inequality of men and women was enshrined. The master in a monogamous family was a male father, interested in keeping property in the hands of blood heirs. The composition of the family was significantly limited, the strictest marital fidelity was required from a woman, and adultery was severely punished. Men, however, were allowed to take concubines. Similar laws were issued in the ancient and Middle Ages in all countries.

Many ethnographers have noted that prostitution has always existed as the antithesis of monogamy. In some societies, the so-called religious prostitution was widespread: the leader of the tribe, a priest or other representative of the government had the right to spend the first wedding night with the bride. The prevailing belief was that the priest, using the right of the first night, consecrated the marriage. It was considered a great honor for newlyweds if the king himself enjoyed the right of the first night.

In studies devoted to the problems of the family, the main stages of its evolution are traced: in almost all peoples, the account of kinship by the mother preceded the account of kinship by the father; at the primary stage of sexual relations, along with temporary (short and accidental) monogamous relationships, wide freedom of marital intercourse prevailed; gradually, the freedom of sexual activity was limited, the number of persons who had the right to marry a particular woman (or man) decreased; the dynamics of marriage relations in the history of the development of society consisted in the transition from group marriage to individual marriage.

The relationship between parents and children has also evolved over the course of history. There are six styles of attitudes towards children.

Infanticidal - infanticide, violence (from antiquity to the 4th century AD).

Giving up - the child is given to a wet nurse, to a strange family, to a monastery, etc. (IV-XVII centuries).

Ambivalent - children are not considered full members of the family, they are denied independence, individuality, "sculpted" in "image and likeness", in case of resistance they are severely punished (XIV-XVII centuries).

Obsessive - the child becomes closer to the parents, his behavior is strictly regulated, the inner world is controlled (XVIII century).

Socializing - parents' efforts are aimed at preparing children for an independent life, character formation; a child for them is an object of education and training (XIX - early XX centuries).

Helping - parents strive to ensure the individual development of the child, taking into account his inclinations and abilities, to establish emotional contact (mid-20th century - present).

In the XIX century. there are empirical studies of the emotional sphere of the family, the drives and needs of its members (primarily the work of Frederic Le Play). The family is studied as a small group with its inherent life cycle, history of origin, functioning and decay. Feelings, passions, mental and moral life become the subject of research. In the historical dynamics of the development of family relations, Le Play stated the direction from the patriarchal type of family to the unstable, with the scattered existence of parents and children, with the weakening of paternal authority, leading to the disorganization of society.

Further, studies of family relationships concentrate on the study of interaction, communication, interpersonal harmony, closeness of family members in various social and family situations, on the organization of family life and factors of family stability as a group (works by J. Piaget, S. Freud and their followers).

The development of society determined a change in the value system and social norms of marriage and the family that support the extended family, the sociocultural norms of high fertility were supplanted by social norms of low fertility.

National characteristics of family relations

Until the middle of the XIX century. the family was considered as the initial micro-model of society, social relations were derived from family relations, the society itself was interpreted by researchers as a family that expanded in breadth, moreover, as a patriarchal family with the corresponding attributes: authoritarianism, property, subordination, etc.

Ethnography has accumulated extensive material reflecting the national characteristics of family relations. So, in ancient Greece, monogamy dominated. The families were numerous. There was an incest taboo. The father was the master of his wife, children, concubine. Men enjoyed great rights. Women were subjected to severe punishment for treason, but the Spartan could give his wife to any guest who asked him about it. Children of other men remained in the family if they were healthy boys.

Monogamy was encouraged in ancient Rome, but extramarital affairs were widespread. According to the laws of Roman law, marriage existed exclusively for procreation. Great importance was attached to the wedding ceremony, which was extremely expensive and painted to the smallest detail. The father's authority was exceptional, the children obeyed only him. The woman was considered part of her husband's property.

Science has extensive information about the influence of Christianity on the institution of the family in many countries of the world. Church doctrine sanctified monogamy, sexual purity, chastity, anathematized polygamy and polyandry. However, in practice, the clergy did not always follow the church canons. The church extolled virginity, abstinence with widowhood, virtuous marriage. Marriages of Christians with non-believers were considered sinful. A liberal attitude towards them was only in the period of early Christianity, since it was believed that with the help of marriage, a Christian could convert another lost to the true faith.

In the early days of Christianity, marriage was considered a private matter. In the future, the norm of entering into marriage with the consent of the priest was fixed. Even a widow could not marry again without his blessing.

The church also dictated the rules of sexual relations. In 398, the Cathedral of Karfanes made a decision, according to which the girl had to keep her virginity for three days and three nights after the wedding. And only later was it allowed to have sexual intercourse on the wedding night, but only on condition that the church fee was paid.

Formally, Christianity recognized the spiritual equality of women and men. However, in reality, the position of women was humiliated. Only a few categories of women - widows, virgins, serving in monasteries and hospitals - had authority in society, were in a privileged position.

Family in Russia

In Russia, family relations became an object of study only in the middle of the 19th century.

The sources of the research were ancient Russian chronicles and literary works. Historians D.N.Dubakin, M.M.Kovalevsky and others gave a deep analysis of family and marriage relations in Ancient Russia. Particular attention was paid to the study of the family code "Domostroy" - a literary monument of the 16th century, published in 1849.

In the 20-50s. XX century, the research reflected the development trends of modern family relations. Thus, P. A. Sorokin analyzed the crisis phenomena in the Soviet family: the weakening of marital, parent-child and family ties. Kinship feelings have become less strong bonds than party camaraderie. In the same period, works on the "women's question" appeared. In the articles of A. M. Kollontai, for example, the freedom of a woman from her husband, parents, from motherhood was proclaimed. The psychology and sociology of the family were declared to be bourgeois pseudosciences, incompatible with Marxism.

Since the mid-50s. the psychology of the family began to revive, theories appeared explaining the functioning of the family as a system, the motives for marriage, revealing the features of matrimonial and parent-child relations, the causes of family conflicts and divorces; family psychotherapy began to develop actively (Yu.A. Aleshina, A.S. Spivakovskaya, E.G. Eidemiller, etc.).

The analysis of the sources allows us to trace the dynamics of the development of family relations "from Rus to Russia." At each stage of the development of society, a certain normative model of the family prevailed, including family members with a certain status, rights and responsibilities, and normative behavior.

The normative pre-Christian model of the family included parents and children. The relationship between mother and father was either conflicting or built on the principle of "dominance-submission". Children were subordinate to their parents. There was a conflict of generations, a confrontation between parents and children. The distribution of roles in the family assumed the man's responsibility for the external, natural, social environment, while the woman was more included in the internal space of the family, in the house. The status of a married person was higher than that of a single person. The woman had freedom both before marriage and in marriage, the power of men - husband, father - was limited. The woman had the right to divorce and could return to her parents' family. Unlimited power in the family was enjoyed by the "bolyiukha" - the wife of a father or eldest son, as a rule, the most able-bodied and experienced woman. Everyone was obliged to obey her - both women and the younger men in the family.

With the emergence of the Christian model of the family (XII-XIV centuries), relations between household members have changed. The man began to reign supreme over them, everyone was obliged to obey him, he was responsible for the family. The relationship of spouses in a Christian marriage presupposed a clear awareness of each family member of their place. The husband, as the head of the family, was obliged to bear the burden of responsibility, the wife humbly took second place. She was instructed to do handicrafts, homework, and the upbringing and education of children. Mother and child were somewhat isolated, left to their own devices, but at the same time they felt the invisible and formidable power of their father. “Raise a child in prohibitions”, “loving your son, increase his wounds” - it is written in “Domostroy”. The main responsibilities of children are absolute obedience, love for parents, and caring for them in old age.

In the sphere of interpersonal relations between spouses, parental roles dominated over erotic roles, the latter were not completely denied, but were recognized as insignificant. The wife was supposed to "adjust" to her husband, that is, act according to his wishes.

According to Domostroi, family pleasures include: comfort in the house, delicious food, honor and respect from neighbors; fornication, foul language, anger are condemned. Condemnation of significant and respected people was considered a terrible punishment for the family. Dependence on people's opinion is the main feature of the national character of family relations in Russia. The social environment needed to demonstrate family well-being and it was strictly forbidden to divulge family secrets, i.e. there were two worlds - for oneself and for people.

For a long time, the Russians, like all Eastern Slavs, were dominated by a large family, which united relatives along straight and lateral lines. Such families included grandfather, sons, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Several married couples jointly owned property and ran a household. The family was led by the most experienced, mature, able-bodied man who had power over all family members. As a rule, he had a counselor - an older woman who ran the household, but did not have the same power in the family as in the XII-XIV centuries. The situation of the other women was completely unenviable - they were practically deprived of rights, did not inherit any property in the event of the death of their spouse.

By the 18th century. in Russia, the standard has become an individual family of two or three generations of relatives in a straight line.

At the turn of the XIX-XX centuries. researchers have recorded a family crisis, accompanied by deep internal contradictions. The man's authoritarian power was lost. The family lost the functions of home production. The nuclear family, consisting of spouses and children, has become the normative model.

In the eastern and southern national outskirts of pre-revolutionary Russia, family life was built in accordance with patriarchal traditions, polygamy and unlimited power of the father over the children were preserved. Some peoples had a custom to take kalym - a ransom for the bride. Often, parents made a deal during the infancy of the bride and groom or even before their birth. Along with this, bride kidnapping was practiced. By kidnapping or buying a wife, the husband became her rightful owner. The wife's fate was especially difficult if she fell into a family where the husband already had several wives. In Muslim families, there was a certain hierarchy among wives, which gave rise to rivalry and jealousy. Have eastern peoples divorce was a man's privilege, it was carried out very easily: the husband simply drove his wife out.

For many peoples of Siberia, the North and the Far East, the remnants of the clan system and polygamy persisted for a long time. People were strongly influenced by shamans.

Modern research on family and marriage relations

At present, the problems of marriage - parenting - and kinship are paid more attention not only in theory, but also in practice. In the works of Yu. I. Aleshina, V. N. Druzhinin, S. V. Kovalev, A. S. Spivakovskaya, E. G. Eidemiller and other scientists, it is emphasized that the family directly or indirectly reflects all changes in society, although and has relative independence, stability. Despite all the changes and upheavals, the family as a social institution withstood. In recent years, her ties with society have weakened, which negatively affected both the family and society as a whole, which already feels the need to restore old values, study new trends and processes, as well as organize the practical preparation of young people for family life.

The psychology of family relations is developing in connection with the tasks of preventing nervous and mental diseases, as well as the problems of family education. The issues considered by family psychology are diverse: these are the problems of marital, parent-child relations, relationships with older generations in the family, development directions, diagnostics, family counseling, and relationship correction.

The family is the object of research in many sciences - sociology, economics, law, ethnography, psychology, demography, pedagogy, etc. Each of them, in accordance with its subject, studies the specific aspects of the functioning and development of the family. Economy - consumer aspects of the family and its participation in the production of material goods and services. Ethnography - features of the way of life and way of life of families with different ethnic characteristics. Demography is the role of the family in the process of population reproduction. Pedagogy is its educational potential.

Integration of these areas of family study allows you to get a holistic view of the family as a social phenomenon, combining the features of a social institution and a small group.

The psychology of family relations focuses on the study of the patterns of interpersonal relations in the family, intrafamily relations (their stability, stability) from the standpoint of influencing the development of the individual. Knowledge of patterns allows for practical work with families, diagnosing and helping to rebuild family relationships. The main parameters of interpersonal relations are status-role differences, psychological distance, valence of relations, dynamics, stability.

The family as a social institution has its own development trends. Nowadays, the rejection of the traditional requirement for the family in its unambiguous sequence: marriage, sexuality, pro-creation (birth, birth) is no longer considered a violation of socio-cultural norms (having a child out of wedlock, sexual relations before marriage, the intrinsic value of intimate relations of a husband and wife, etc.).

Many modern women do not perceive motherhood as an exclusively marital attribute. One third of families consider the birth of a child a hindrance to marriage, and women to a greater extent than men (36% and 29%, respectively). A socio-cultural normative system has appeared - pro-creative ethics: it is preferable to marry, but not necessarily; it is desirable to have children, but their absence is not an anomaly; sex life outside of marriage is not a mortal sin.

A new direction in the development of the psychology of family relations is the development of its methodological foundations, the reliance on which makes it possible to avoid fragmentation, randomness, and intuition. According to the basic methodological principle of consistency, family relations are a structured integrity, the elements of which are interrelated and interdependent. These are matrimonial, parent-child, child-parent, child-child, grandparent-parent, grandparent-child relations.

An important methodological principle - synergetic - allows us to consider the dynamics of family relations from the standpoint of nonlinearity, disequilibrium, taking into account periods of crisis.

Currently, family psychotherapy is being actively developed, based on a systemic, scientific approach, integrating the accumulated experience, revealing the general patterns of therapy for families with relationship disorders.

Questions and tasks

1. What are the stages of development of the psychology of family relations.

2. Describe family relationships in ancient times.

3. Describe monogamous families.

4. What are the directions of the evolution of the family.

5. Expand the dynamics of attitudes towards children.

5. What are the specifics of family relations in Russia?

Abstract topics

1. Formation of the psychology of family relations.

2. The evolution of family and marriage relations in the history of the development of society.

3. Orthodox families.

4. Relationships in Muslim families.

5. Attitude towards children in families from antiquity to the present day.

Antonov A.I. Sociology of the family. - M., 1996.

Arutyunyan Yu.V., Drobizheva L, M., Susokolov A.A. Ethnosociology. - M., 1998.

Bachofen I. Ya. Maternal law. - M., 1861.

Westermark E. History of marriage. - M., 2001.

Vitek K. Problems of Marital Welfare. - M., 1988.

Kovalevsky M.M. Essay on the origin and development of family and property. - M., 1895.

McLennan J.F. Primitive marriage. - M., 1861.

Schneider L.B. The psychology of family relationships. - M., 2000.

Engels F. The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State. - M., 1972.

General concept of counseling

The word "consultation" is used in several meanings: it is a meeting, an exchange of opinions of specialists on any matter; expert advice; an institution that provides such advice, such as legal advice. Thus, to consult is to consult with a specialist on some issue.

Psychological counseling has a pronounced specificity, which is determined by the subject, goals and objectives of this process, as well as how the counselor realizes his professional role in the individual logic of family life. The particularities of counseling are undoubtedly influenced by theoretical preferences, scientific approach, or the school to which the counselor belongs. Thus, the style of counseling in line with a person-centered approach is distinguished by full focus on the client, special attention to his experiences and experience. The cognitive-behavioral approach, or NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), involves short-term counseling, similar to the process of social learning or retraining.

Abroad, counseling psychology stood out as a special approach to providing psychological assistance to a person and a family in difficult life situations in the 50s. XX century. He is distinguished from classical psychotherapy by rejection of the concept of illness, greater attention to the client's life situation and his personal resources; from learning - attaching importance not so much to knowledge as to the ways of interaction between the consultant and the client, which gives rise to additional opportunities for independent overcoming of difficulties.

In Russian psychological science, the term "counseling psychology" appears in the early 90s. last century. Counseling psychology proceeds from the idea that with the help of a specially organized communication process, additional psychological forces and abilities can be actualized in a person who has applied for help, which will help him find new opportunities for getting out of a difficult life situation.

Counseling psychology tries to answer five basic questions. What is the essence of the process that occurs between a person (or family) who finds himself in a difficult situation and who asked for help (the client), and the person who provides it (the consultant)! What functions should the consultant perform and what personality traits, attitudes, knowledge and skills are necessary for the successful fulfillment of their functions? What reserves, internal forces of the client can be updated in the course of counseling? What features does the situation in the client's life impose on the counseling process? What techniques and techniques can be deliberately used in the process of providing assistance?

Despite all the differences that are observed today in understanding the essence of psychological counseling and its tasks, theorists and practitioners agree that counseling is a professional interaction between a trained counselor and a client aimed at solving the latter's problem. This interaction is usually face-to-face, although it can sometimes involve more than two people. The rest of the positions diverge. Some believe that counseling is different from psychotherapy and is centered on more superficial work (for example, on interpersonal relationships), and its main task is to help a family or an individual look at their problems and life difficulties from the outside, demonstrate and discuss those moments of the relationship, which, being the sources of difficulties, are usually not realized and not controlled (Yu. E. Aleshina, 1994). Others consider counseling as one of the forms of psychotherapy and see its central task in helping the client find his true self and find the courage to become that self (R. May, 1994).

In the last decade, there has been a tendency to extensively use the term "psychological counseling" (V. A. Binas, B. M. Masterov, etc.) as a synonym for psychological support of a client (person or family) in difficult periods of life. This is the understanding of counseling that we will adhere to. Depending on the life situation of a person or family (as a collective client), the goals of counseling can be certain changes in self-awareness (the formation of a productive attitude to life, acceptance of it in all manifestations, not excluding suffering; gaining faith in oneself and the desire to overcome difficulties, recovery the disintegrated connection between family members, the formation of family members' responsibility for each other, etc.), behavioral changes (the formation of ways of productive interaction of family members with each other and with the outside world).

Psychological counseling of the family should be aimed at restoring or transforming the ties of family members with each other and the world, at developing the ability to understand each other and form a full-fledged family We, flexibly regulating relations both within the family and with various social groups.

The main stages of the counseling process

Psychological counseling is a holistic system. It can be thought of as a time-unfolding process, a jointly separated activity of a consultant and a client, in which three main components are distinguished.

Diagnostic - systematic tracking of the dynamics of the development of a person or a family that has applied for help; collection and accumulation of information and minimum and sufficient diagnostic procedures. Based on joint research, the psychologist and the client determine the benchmarks working together(goals and objectives), assign responsibilities, identify the limits of the support needed.

When working with each family, the goals and objectives are unique, like its life situation, but if we talk about the general task of counseling the family, then this is not at all "providing psychological comfort" and "getting rid of suffering"; the main thing in a crisis situation is to help to accept life in all its manifestations (not excluding suffering), to go through life difficulties and, by rethinking your relationship with yourself, others, and the world as a whole, take responsibility for your life and the lives of your loved ones and productively transform your life situation.

The consultant provides the necessary support to the client, flexibly changing its form and measure in accordance with his condition and the prospect of his nearest development. The family itself and only itself can survive the events, circumstances and changes in its life, which gave rise to family trouble. And no one can do this for family members, just as the best teacher cannot understand the material being explained for his student. A consultant can only create conditions for changes and stimulate this process: organize, direct, provide favorable conditions for him, striving to ensure that he leads to the improvement of the family, or, at least, does not follow a pathological or socially unacceptable path (alcoholism, neurotization, psychopathization, suicide, crime, etc.). Thus, the goal takes into account the specifics of the client and his life situation as much as possible.

The main stage of counseling is the selection and use of tools that allow you to create conditions that stimulate positive changes in family relationships and contributing to the mastery of ways of productive interaction. At this stage, the consultant comprehends the results of diagnostics (joint research, tracking) and, on their basis, thinks over what conditions are necessary for the favorable development of the family and personality, for family members to gain positive attitudes towards themselves, others, the world in general and flexibility, the ability to successfully communicate with each other and with society, to adapt in it. Then he develops and implements flexible individual and group programs of social and psychological support of the family, its development, focused on a specific family and specific children and adults and taking into account their characteristics and needs. It is also envisaged to create special socio-psychological conditions for rendering assistance to adults and children with especially difficult problems.

Analysis of interim and final results of joint work and making, based on them, changes in the consulting-support program.

Psychological counseling is a prolonged, multi-stage process. His procedural analysis involves the allocation of dynamics, which consists of stages, steps and steps, and it is necessary to distinguish between the dynamics of an individual meeting (consultation or training) and the dynamics of the entire counseling process.

To comprehend the dynamics, you can use the metaphor of a shared journey from the present situation to the desired future. Then counseling will appear as helping the client in solving three main tasks:

determine “the place where the family is at the moment of addressing” (What is the problem? What is the essence of family trouble and its causes?);

to reveal "the place where the traveler wants to come", i.e. the state that the family or an individual client wants to achieve (to form an image of the desired future, to determine its reality) and the choice of the direction of change (What to do? In which direction to move?);

help the client (family) get there (How to do it?).

The process of solving the first problem corresponds to the diagnostic component of maintenance; the third can be thought of as transformation or rehabilitation. There is no ready-made term for the second task yet; it is resolved through an agreement between the client and the psychologist. Conventionally, this stage can be called “responsible decision” or “choice of the path”.

This three-term model is implicitly present in a number of integrative approaches to counseling in psychology and social work (V.A. Goryanina, 1996; J. Eigen, 1994, etc.).

Of course on initial stage the mastery of the profession, the consultant needs simpler and more mobile schemes as a guide. In terms of content, it is possible to distinguish three general stages of the maintenance process:

Awareness of not only external, but also internal causes of the crisis (life difficulties);

Reconstruction of a family or personal myth, the development of a value relationship;

Mastering the necessary life strategies and tactics of behavior.

Family Counseling Methods and Techniques

Traditionally, the main method of psychological counseling is an interview, i.e. a therapeutic conversation aimed at providing social and psychological support to the family and helping it. However, today in the practice of counseling (including family counseling), all the wealth of methods and techniques developed in various psychotherapeutic schools are widely used: dialogical communication, behavioral methods, psychodrama and role modeling, Kelly's repertoire grids, family history analysis, genogram, as well as methods group therapy. To provide feedback, video recordings and psychotechnics such as "sociogram in action", "family sculpture", "family choreography" are used (they are something like "live pictures" when family members, choosing poses and locations in space, try to depict their relationships in statics or dynamics).

To a large extent, the choice of methods and contact techniques is determined by the level at which the consultation process is carried out. It is customary to distinguish external and internal levels of counseling.

External work is sufficient to address shallow-rooted personal and family problems. It is often used at the first meeting (especially when consulting a married couple). The technologies for creating helping relationships developed in humanistic psychology (K. Rogers, F. Vasilyuk, etc.) are widely used here. The relationship of trust it creates creates an openness that helps each family member express whatever is on their mind and express their true feelings. This is the first step towards clarifying the problem, a step towards yourself and towards another person.

Various techniques developed in behavioral psychology are also used at this level. In particular, the behaviorist modification of "contract therapy", when spouses agree to reward each other for the behavior they expect from a partner.

At a deeper level (when working with the problems of co-dependence, redistribution of power, etc.), when it is necessary to influence less conscious processes, the methods developed in psychoanalysis, gestalt therapy and psychodrama are used.

Such eclecticism is quite appropriate, but only under certain conditions. First, when choosing the means, it is necessary to remember the well-known methodological position, which J. Paul formulated as a question: "What kind of assistance, by whom, and under what conditions is most effective for this client with these specific problems?" And secondly, do not forget that the main means of psychological counseling is not this or that psychotechnique, but special form relationships in the "psychologist-client" system, based on the conscious use of the basic two-unit mechanism of being and personality development - identification - isolation (B.C. Mukhina). It is these relationships that create the conditions for experiencing, objectification, reflection and reconstruction of the image of the client's world and its individual fragments during the period of consultations and group sessions.

Modern approaches to family counseling

There are many concepts of family counseling: from modifications of the Freudian psychoanalytic model to positive family therapy by N. Pezeshkian. However, in recent years, practitioners have given preference to integrative approaches, such as systemic and structural.

The founders of the systems approach (M. Bowen, S. Minukhin, V. Satir, K. Whitaker, etc.) consider the family not just as an association of individuals linked by ties of kinship, but as an integral system where no one suffers alone: ​​family conflicts and crises have a destructive effect on everyone. Since the family is a system, it is not so important which of its elements changes. In practice, changes in the behavior of any of the family members affect it and other subsystems (other family members) included in it, and at the same time are influenced by them.

Providing assistance to a family in difficult periods of life, it makes no sense to engage in identifying the psychoanalytic causes of the conflict: it is much more important to change the relationship between its members through specific purposeful actions. With a well-chosen strategy and tactics of work, the family environment improves as the recommendations of the specialist are followed. Changes lead to shifts in the mechanism of family functioning and contribute to a decrease in the manifestation of symptoms of psychological distress in one or more of its members.

What are the functions of a psychologist when working with a family? Where will his attention be focused in the counseling process? What means of influence will become the main ones? The representatives of numerous systemic approaches to psychological assistance to the family answer these questions depending on their theoretical orientation.

Thus, the author of the theory of family systems M. Bowen argues that family members cannot act independently of each other, since such behavior leads to intra-family dysfunction. This brings him closer to systemic therapists. But there are differences: Bowen views all human emotions and behavior as a product of evolution. And not individual, unique, but associated with all forms of life. He developed eight closely related concepts, including the concept of differentiation of one's own I, emotional triangles, family projections, etc. In his opinion, the mechanism of intra-family relations is similar to the mechanism of functioning of all other living systems. It is no coincidence that his concept of differentiation of one's own self is so reminiscent of the concepts of cell differentiation existing in science. The therapists of this school believe that the differentiation of one's own self during the sessions of family psychotherapy leads to the calming of the client's family, this contributes to responsible decision-making and the weakening of symptoms of family dysfunction. The role of a counselor in this family counseling system approaches the position of a coach: he teaches family members to differentiate in family communication, to comprehend their ways of interacting in the family and to master more productive ones. At the same time, the psychologist is instructed not to approach the family with ready-made recommendations, but to conduct a joint search. It is difficult to disagree with this: joint search allows family members to master productive ways of getting out of problem situations, develops in them a sense of subjectivity and self-confidence, which, after weakening negative symptoms, leads to sustainable changes in the life of the family.

Bowen makes extensive use of the family life cycle in his theory and practice of family therapy, and also considers it necessary to take into account the national characteristics of clients.

Another option for working with a family, which has gained wide popularity in the world, is S. Minukhin's structural family therapy.

This approach is based on three axioms.

When providing psychological assistance, the whole family must be taken into account. Each of the family members should be considered as its subsystem.

Family therapy changes its structure and leads to changes in the behavior of each member of the family system.

In working with the family, the psychologist joins the family, and the result is a therapeutic system that makes family change possible.

The family appears as a differentiated whole, the subsystems of which are individual family members or several of its members. Each subsystem (parental, marital, child) has specific functions and makes certain requirements for its members. Moreover, each subsystem requires a certain degree of freedom and autonomy. For example, for the adaptation of spouses to each other, a certain freedom from the influence of children and extra-family environment is needed. Therefore, the problem of boundaries between family subsystems becomes important.

S. Minukhin distinguishes two types of border violations: the first is their confusion, indistinctness, blurring; the second is excessive closeness, leading to disunity among family members. One of

these types of boundary violations can be found in any dysfunctional family. Thus, the pronounced blurring of the boundaries between mother and child leads to the alienation of the father. As a result, two autonomous subsystems begin to function in the family: "mother-child (children)" and "father". In this case, the development of competence in communicating with peers is inhibited in children, and the parents are at risk of divorce. On the other hand, families with separating boundaries have a disrupted ability to form a family We. Family members are so fragmented that they cannot meet the most important of human needs in the family - trust, warmth and support.

A confused family reacts to any changes quickly and intensely, its members seem to infect each other with their mood. But in an indifferent family, alienation prevails, which the child feels as cold, lovelessness and can describe his family as follows: "We have no one to care about anyone."

The described classification and approach to psychological help are aimed, first of all, at understanding and overcoming the inadequate closeness of family members, reaching the level of symbiotic interdependence, and helps everyone to realize and build boundaries between themselves and others.

The role of the psychologist in S. Minukhin's system is understood as follows: he is ordered to join the family, for a while, as it were, become one of its members. “Family therapy,” he writes, “is a necessary part of family diagnosis. The therapist cannot observe the family and make a diagnosis from the outside ”(S. Minukhin, 1978). The psychologist's “entry” into the family system causes a “mini-crisis”, which is important: rigid rigid ties and relationships are weakened, and this gives the family a chance to change the state of its “boundaries”, expand them, and therefore change its structure.

S. Minukhin identifies seven categories of the psychologist's actions to restructure the family: this is the actualization of family models of interaction; establishment or marking of boundaries; escalation of stress; assignment of tasks; use of symptoms; stimulation of a certain mood; support, training or guidance.

No less widespread is another version of the systemic approach - strategic family therapy (J. Haley, K. Madanes, P. Vaclavik, L. Hoffman, etc.), where the main work of the therapist is aimed at forming family members' responsibility for each other.

Sometimes a variant of systemic family therapy, developed at the Milan scientific school, is included in the framework of the strategic direction. However, here at the center of the work is the identification and transformation of those unconscious "rules of the game" that support family trouble. "Family games" (first described in transactional analysis Eric Berna) are based on the misconception of family members that it is possible to exercise unilateral control over interpersonal relationships in the family by manipulating other family members. The work of a psychologist is first aimed at identifying those reactions of family members that lead to "hooks" that make the family unhealthy (diagnosis), then - to help in understanding these links and developing productive ways of interaction.

Another construct used to analyze marital interactions is the idea that family conflicts are based on the unconscious struggle of spouses for power and influence, competition and rivalry with each other (in the Russian version, this can be expressed by the proverb-question: “Who is in the house master?"). The counselor's work in this model of psychotherapy focuses on balancing the spouses where the gains or losses of one will be offset by the gains or losses of the other.

Psychoanalytic (N. Ackerman, K. Sager, etc.), cognitive-behavioral (R. Dreikurs, A. Ellis, etc.) approaches in family therapy compared with systematic approach more traditional.

The analysis of numerous theoretical constructions and practice of family counselors' work gave rise to a bright and convenient typology for everyday use, where all the numerous systems of working with the family (depending on the approach chosen by the psychologist to the goals of work and understanding of their own functions) are divided into three groups: "leaders", " reactive "and" system cleaners ".

Leading therapists are authoritarian. In an effort to create healthy relationships in the family, they act from the position of a "super-parent" who knows better than family members what is good or bad for its members and is active. This completely relieves clients from independent efforts, relieves them of responsibility. For the sake of fairness, we note that for a person or a family who asked for help during a deep crisis, such an attitude at the initial stage of the consultative process is not only necessary, but also the only possible one, since people who have just experienced a life catastrophe are often in a state of age. regressions, when the forms of reaction characteristic of a frightened helpless child return. In the case of working with such clients (families or individuals), the consultant consciously takes a “parental position” and chooses a pre-parenting strategy, gradually “growing and re-educating”, helping to believe in oneself, gain a foothold in oneself, and learn to productively interact first with oneself , and then with others. It is this approach that is presented in the earlier description of structural family therapy (S. Minukhin).

“Responsive” family psychotherapists, in order to achieve positive changes in the family, try to mobilize its own internal development potential. They are “included” in the environment and atmosphere of the family with which the work is carried out. It is convenient to carry out such therapy together: one of the psychologists allows himself to be drawn into the current family situation (while he most often takes on the role of a child), the second acts as an observer and is somewhat more detached (as if outside the family system).

If we recall that reactive psychotherapists are theoretically oriented primarily towards psychoanalysis, then it is not difficult to understand both the origins of such work and its essence. The psychoanalytic approach assumes that in his activity the therapist performs both of these functions (and identification with the client, and isolation, detachment from him). In the process of interacting with the client, he alternately identifies with him, penetrates deeply into his problems, then moves away from the client and his situation for the purpose of objective judgment. Here, however, these functions are, as it were, “divided” between two psychologists.

System cleaners primarily seek to establish order in the rules by which the family lives. The counselor tries to counteract the wrong behavior, make him abandon immature and pathological forms of behavior. This method is characteristic of strategic family therapy and systemic family therapy in Milan. scientific school(You can get acquainted with one of the variants of this approach by reading the bright and talented works of Virginia Satir, which have been translated into Russian and have been repeatedly published in our country).

Interpersonal counseling for spouses

As a rule, a family turns to psychological counseling during difficult periods of life, when tension is felt, relationships between its members are disturbed, and conflicts arise.

Analyzing the problems with which spouses often turn to consultations, researchers (Yu.E. Aleshina, V.Yu. Menovshchikov) consider the following as the most typical:

Various kinds of conflicts and mutual discontent associated with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities;

Conflicts, problems, dissatisfaction of spouses due to differences in views on family life and interpersonal relationships;

Sexual problems, dissatisfaction of one spouse with another in this area and their mutual inability to establish normal sexual relations;

Difficulties and conflicts in the relationship of a married couple with the parents of one or both spouses;

Illness (mental or physical) of one of the spouses, problems and difficulties caused by the need to adapt the family to the disease, negative attitude towards oneself and those around the patient or family members;

Problems of power and influence in marital relationships;

Lack of warmth in the relationship of spouses, lack of intimacy and trust, communication problems.

For all the external differences, these problems are similar: difficulties arise in the sphere of relations with another person. However, these problems are only a marker of distress in the inner world a person (these can be distorted ideas about a man and a woman, their duties and desired behavior, a discrepancy between a desired and real attitude, a negative attitude towards oneself and a partner, self-destructive feelings of guilt, resentment, fear, anger, etc.).

Basic Counseling Strategy for Disordered Marital Relationships

We approach consulting on relationship problems through the study of the specifics of the subjective image of the human world and the reconstruction of certain of its fragments.

This understanding of the image of the world of the individual is close to the concept of myth in the cultural sense that this term has acquired today (E. Cassirer, S. Kripper, A. Lobock, A. Losev, etc.). We define the image of the world as an individual myth of a person about himself, other people, the world and his fate in the time of his life and historical time. This is a holistic formation of self-awareness, a picture that exists on the cognitive and figurative-emotional level and regulates life relationships, behavior, and a person's being in the world. The central component of the image of the world is the "image of the I" - a system of ideas and attitudes of a person to himself (and everything that he considers to be his) in life and historical time. The image of another person (close and distant; men and women), the image of the world as a whole, which at a deep level manifests itself in a feeling of ontological confidence or uncertainty of a person in the world, act as other structural links of the image of the world. This myth changes with the spiritual and mental development of the individual and serves as an internal basis for the regulation of behavior and the implementation of life choices.

It is the reconstruction of the subjective image of the person's world that becomes the main strategy of counseling. This involves providing assistance at all stages of the formation of a new system of relations between the family and each of its members to themselves, to others, to the world in the time of their lives, from the moment they seek psychological help to the formation of positive relations of family members to themselves, others, and the world as a whole. The consultant accompanies the family on its difficult path from dysfunction to well-being. It helps one or both spouses to realize not only external, but also internal reasons for the violation of relations; become aware of your image of the world or those fragments of it that are associated with a violation of interaction; provides psychological support; promotes self-knowledge and knowledge of another person; develops empathy (the ability to take the place of another person and feel him as himself) and reflexive abilities (the ability to mentally go beyond the immediate situation of interaction and look at it as if from the outside). As a result of such work, the client gets the opportunity to walk on both sides of the street of interaction, see and understand not only his own experiences, but also the experiences of another person, begins to better understand motives, feelings, conflicts (his own and that of another person). All this makes it possible to reconstruct your image of the world and master new, more productive models of interaction and behavior.

How to organize the family counseling process

Family counseling does not necessarily mean working with all family members at the same time. At different stages of the process in different proportions can be combined different ways organization of the family counseling process: communication with the whole family, individual counseling of one of its members, work with a married couple, work with a nuclear family, i.e. with a family in the narrow sense of the word (father-mother-children), work with an extended family (it also includes grandparents and those closest to them who have an impact on family relations: aunts, uncles, etc.); work with an ecosystem or social network.

Individual work with one of the members of a married couple. In this case, the classic “consultant-client” relationship develops, however, the context of family relations is also invisibly present here (in the memory and images of the client, in his drawings and replayed situations, etc.). The family continues to exist “in terms of representation, a secondary image, and can be interpreted and evaluated by the patient” (N. Pezeshkian, 1994).

If, during individual counseling, family problems arise or complaints about a lack of understanding among household members, then you need to gently and unobtrusively lead the client to the idea that

it makes no sense to set yourself the goal of "changing my wife or children and their relationship to me." However, it is possible to change yourself, to think over your behavior and your role in the family, and then, most likely, close people will treat differently. For this, it is quite possible to use the method of therapeutic parables (N. Pezeshki-an and others). For example, as if by the way, ask a question about how a psychologist differs from a policeman, and then explain with a smile that if someone complains to a policeman about a neighbor, he deals with the neighbor, and if they complain to a psychologist, he deals with himself the complainant.

But there are other cases where successful one-on-one counseling by one member of a married couple is opposed by the other. If one person is consulted, and the other does not want any changes in family relations (as the saying goes: “We never lived well, and it’s not worth starting”), then there is a danger of imbalance in the emotional dynamics of the family system. Pets begin to feel anxious and may try to return the person to their former role stereotypes, to self-destructive behavior.

As an example, we will give a case from practice.

The wife of one of the clients (let's call him Alexander) constantly reproached him for drunkenness. He came to a psychologist alone, as his wife threatened with divorce. She refused a joint consultation1 “You drink, not me. Everything is fine with me and I have nothing to do with a psychologist. "

However, when Alexander's behavior changed in the course of counseling and he could do without alcohol, his wife experienced acute anxiety. She began to bring home alcohol herself and provoke him to "drink a little". She succeeded - the usual family triangle "victim-savior-persecutor" was restored. The wife continued to complain to friends and relatives about the "horror of her life" and receive their sympathy, then "saved the poor thing", "brought up and punished" him by depriving him of intimacy and human attention.

When a year later, after repeated counseling, the husband seriously stopped drinking - the marriage broke up.

A more optimistic prognosis with similar problems is a situation when a married couple is able to come to a psychologist of their own free will. Even such a parish itself testifies to the fact that they have an attitude to preserve their life together, which means that there is hope for changes for the better. The challenge is to find the positive potential of a married couple, which is so necessary to get out of a crisis situation and to reconstruct family relationships.

Working with a married couple. In this case, the husband and wife come for a consultation together, their behavior makes the usual patterns of interaction with each other clear. The consultant can directly lead them to the realization of conflicting, unproductive forms of interaction. When working with a couple, you can consider a complex life situation from different perspectives, help spouses gain a new perspective on life's difficulties and their role in overcoming them, and then find new, more productive ways to interact and solve difficult issues. However, things are not so simple: in the first stage of work, a married couple can cause a lot of anxiety to the counselor and jeopardize the very possibility of counseling.

Difficulties in working with a married couple

Leading a reception in which two clients participate (and even conflicting clients) is much more difficult than consulting one. Although work with two spouses is more effective, its results are not as profound as possible with individual counseling: it is less likely to address the underlying issues that underlie marital disagreements. In order to motivate spouses to work together, to organize and direct a constructive dialogue, special skills and abilities are required from the counselor.

Constructive dialogue is considered to be the most effective method of working with a married couple or family as a whole in the initial stages of counseling. The organization of a constructive dialogue includes three stages: preparatory, negotiations and compromise decisions.

The first stage, the preparatory stage, is especially important, its task is to find common ground and reformulate the goals of the spouses. As a rule, for the conflicting parties (especially in a pre-divorce situation) these goals do not coincide: after all, they “look in different directions”. The successful reformulation of goals consists in shifting the emphasis from the formal requirements of spouses to each other, the stream of complaints and grievances to purely human contacts. At this stage, the psychologist directs efforts to turn the couple, who often came with unrealistic expectations, into active, responsible participants in the process: he establishes trusting relationships, explains the principles of partnership, etc.

Only after that can we proceed to the second stage - negotiations. The conflicting parties begin to meet in the role of full partners, and the psychologist directs these meetings, acting as a mediator, facilitator, model of partnership. As a result of a gradual exchange of opinions, feelings and wishes, participation in role-playing games and specially simulated situations of interaction, the spouses move to the third stage - making a compromise decision.

The situation is especially difficult at the initial stages of counseling: the presence of the second member of the couple in one way or another makes it difficult to establish therapeutic contact, negatively affects the course of the conversation. Spouses can interrupt each other, enter into negotiations and bicker, trying to argue, explain something or prove to each other. Sometimes a completely paradoxical situation may arise: at some point, the conflicting spouses can suddenly unite and ... jointly oppose the consultant. The opposite reaction is also possible: the presence of a partner leads to the fact that the husband or wife becomes taciturn, each of them expects the other to start a conversation and say something important.

Before proceeding to the description of the strategy and tactics of counseling a married couple, we note that there are at least two options for coming to the consultation: both spouses together or one of them with complaints about himself or a partner. The most common option is the latter.

When formulating complaints, the subjective locus (i.e. who the client is complaining about) can acquire the following options:

the first complains about the second;

the first and second complain about the third;

the first and the second together want to understand something;

the first complains about himself, the second wants to help him1.

The main task of the consultant at the first stage is to establish contact with the client (s) and figure out what exactly brought him or them to the appointment. However, already at the beginning of the conversation with the spouses, serious difficulties are possible. Sometimes a husband and wife strive not so much to state the essence of the problem as to demonstrate the guilt and shortcomings of the other, remembering more and more sins of the partner, accusing and interrupting each other.

What should the consultant do in this case? In such a situation, it is necessary to introduce rules of conduct in the consultation, inviting the spouses to speak in turn and comment on the partner's words only when time is given for this.

The initial stage of working with a couple can be joint, when the counselor and clients are trying to have a common conversation, or separate. The joint version of the conversation is quite appropriate in the second, third and, possibly, in the fourth case. At the first meeting, when one client complains about another, it is more advisable to listen to the complaints in turn. One of the spouses stays with the consultant, and the other waits for his turn outside the office.

At the second stage, the consultant acts as a psychological mediator. He monitors the dialogue and, if necessary, intervenes, directing it.

Psychotechnical techniques used by a psychologist in counseling a married couple are similar to those used in individual counseling, that is, the counselor listens carefully, periodically paraphrases and summarizes what has been said. However, paraphrasing is often aimed not at showing the client that the consultant understands and supports him, but for his partner's understanding of the client.

The consultant directs the repetition of the first person to the second. For example, when receiving spouses, it may sound like this: “Sveta, did you understand what Sergei just said? He talked about ... ”(further paraphrasing).

Basic requirements for working with a married couple

Counseling for a married couple should comply with the principle of humane treatment of each member of the family and the family as a whole and faith in its strength; not alteration, but qualified assistance and support for natural development. The peace of the family is of unconditional value. The counselor must accept the family and its positions and make the clients feel it.

The counselor should respect the autonomy of the family dyad that applied for help, its right to freely choose its own path of development (unless, of course, its lifestyle does not threaten the life and health of the child). Remember: counseling is effective only when it contributes to the maintenance, preservation and positive development of the family as a whole.

The consultant implements an individual approach to the family and each of its members, while relying on the development resources that the family actually has. Counseling should be carried out in the logic of positive opportunities for family development, and not artificially impose goals and objectives on the spouses from the outside.

When counseling a married couple, a psychologist must adhere to the principle of realism: not try to "remake the family or any of its members", "provide life well-being or employment." He can only support in the period of overcoming the "gaps in life", help overcome the typical crisis periods of alienation from oneself and the world, create conditions for the identification of internal resources that allow "to become the author and creator of your life" and to gain greater flexibility in relations as between family members and in the relationship of the family with the "big world".

The ability to listen and hear each of the parties helps to establish contact, which means it gives a chance for successful counseling.

When consulting a family, it is necessary to structure the admission process more clearly.

Working with the nuclear family, that is, with the family in the narrow sense of the word (father, mother, children). The advantages of this process are that the family comes to the consultation in its entirety and here, during a short therapeutic meeting, it will continue the life that it lives at home in its usual forms, and therefore, no special means are required for a family diagnosis.

Working with the nuclear family is especially appropriate when there is a symptom of the child's psychological distress in the family. From the point of view of systemic family psychotherapy, violations in the child's behavior are perceived as a key to "family pain", as a kind of message about the crisis processes that the whole family suffers. “As far as the child's ill-being is obvious, so much the family-wide dysfunction behind it is camouflaged, hidden in deep recesses of family life. And naturally, this always annoying childhood illness, causing so much inconvenience to adults, would not be so persistent if in some sense it was not necessary, "useful" for the family as a whole, would not work for it, that is, would not have some kind of "conditional desirability", keeping the family from disintegrating and at the same time allowing to preserve the status quo of defective relations ”(TV Snegireva, 1991).

Working with an extended family, which includes not only the mother, father and children, but also other close people (grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts and other family members who influence her life and relationships).

Working with the ecosystem. In the process of counseling, external contacts and social institutions are taken into account, included as intermediate variables.

The family counselor must be extremely careful. First of all, he needs to take into account that family-wide dysfunction, as a rule, is camouflaged and hidden in deep recesses of family life: often spouses speak, think, reason and even believe on one level, and interact, feel, experience - on another, which forms how

would be the hidden infrastructure of their lives. Each step of the psychologist in this terra incognita can be met with resistance from family members. For a specialist counseling a family, the question always remains: how far can one go by interacting with family reality, pressing in a short number of meetings that psychological experience, for the acquisition of which life itself usually takes months and years.

For example, during crisis periods of life, alcoholization of the head of the family is often observed. However, in this case, it makes no sense to work only with the head of the family himself: alcoholism is often only a symptom, an indicator of family trouble, the presence of dysfunctional intra-family relations. The point is that alcohol is a drug that makes you feel warm, safe and comfortable. In a family where wives are either overly authoritarian or coldly reserved, alcohol “replaces” many of the functions traditionally attributed to the family (security, trust, warmth, closeness). In addition, alcohol often becomes a "home way" for a man to somehow relax and escape from life's problems. Therefore, it is necessary to consider alcoholism as an indicator of a lack of emotional support and work not only with the drinking spouse himself, but also with existing family relationships, rules and beliefs, the content of the behavior of family members in relation to each other.

Whichever option of interaction the psychologist chooses to consult a family that has asked for help, it is important that he relies on the positive resources of its members, strives to support and develop the best feelings and abilities of parents and children. Only this approach can prevent serious conflicts and violations.

Counseling about complex relationships with children

No less often than with a request for help in restoring family relations, spouses turn to consultations with complaints about the difficulties of relations with children of various ages - from preschoolers to students and older. Moreover, these are children who do not have any deviations, but there is the biggest problem - relationships with their own parents, misunderstanding, reaching alienation.

The most typical complaints are about constant conflicts with a child, about disobedience and stubbornness of children (especially during periods of crisis); inattention; disorganized behavior; deceit (for which both "pseudo-lie", that is, children's fantasizing, and lies for salvation, out of fear of being punished, stubbornness, lack of communication, disrespect for parents, insubordination, rudeness ... The list of these "sins" can be continued until infinity.

What should a psychologist-consultant do at the stage of working with a complaint and a request?

First of all, to fill the complaint-request with specific content (what kind of behavioral situations became the basis of the appeal).

Provide a "stereoscopic" view of the situation (and the look at it of the parents, and the view of the child, and materials of psychodiagnostics).

In any case, the psychologist should be on the side of the child. His work consists not in confirming the presence of a “negative” quality in a child (which in some cases is just what the parent expects), but in putting forward, together with the parent, a hypothesis about the history of his development, his possibilities and ways of overcoming conflict relations with his parents).

The reasons for the violation of parent-child relations are, first of all, the inability to understand the child, the mistakes of upbringing already made (not out of malice, but due to the limited and traditional ideas about upbringing) and, of course, so typical for recent years household and personal disorder of the parents themselves.

In general, in psychological counseling about the complexity of relationships with children, it is advisable to distinguish three organically related areas.

1. Increasing the socio-psychological competence of parents, teaching them communication skills and resolving conflict situations.

2. Psychological assistance to adult family members, which includes both the diagnosis of the intra-family situation and work to change it.

3. Psychotherapeutic work directly with the child.

The main object of influence is the sphere of consciousness of parents, the system of prevailing stereotypes, forms of interaction in the family (A.S. Spivakovskaya). That is why it is extremely important for many parents to combine the first and second directions of work. First of all - work to overcome pedagogical, educational stereotypes.

One of them is the stereotype of violent influence on a child, which, as if in mockery, is called upbringing by parents.

For many Russian dads and mothers, the very idea that feeding a child by force, pushing a spoon of porridge through tightly clenched teeth, is a cruel abuse of a child may seem ridiculous. This gesture of care leaves a hole in the symbolic boundaries of the child's corporeality, violates its integrity and ... forms the future victim, already ready to come to terms with the penetration of another person into her personal space.

At the same time, effective communication with a child rests on three pillars: unconditional acceptance; recognizing how the child is feeling; giving him a choice. This is the most important discovery of humanistic and psychoanalytic psychology (K. Rogers, H. Jainott, A. Faber, etc.). Educational work with parents should be aimed, on the one hand, at overcoming unproductive stereotypes and accepting the ideas of raising a person with self-esteem, and on the other, at mastering ways of interacting with children that are adequate to these ideas.

The first step that an adult can (and should) take towards a child is “to accept him and join him”, to assume (nothing more!) That the child is right in his attitude towards the people around him, whatever it is, this installation, neither was.

The second is to create the experience of a truly human relationship with the child. After all, the driving force of a child's development is his affective relationship with those people who care about him; the condition for the meaningfulness of his personal existence is life experience shared with other people. At the heart of the violation of personality development, aggressiveness, cruelty, equally characteristic of children and adults, are not only conflicts, but also a lack of emotional warmth at an early age. It is necessary to deeply understand the inner world of the child and create an experience of "corrective care", to make up for the warmth not given to the child, to warm his soul.

Research carried out in the mainstream of psychoanalytic pedagogy (K. Buttner, E. Jill, M. Leder and others) has established that the absence of emotional warmth, insults, and the cruelty that a child has endured has a fateful impact on his entire future life. Children who have experienced abuse grow up suspicious and vulnerable. They have a distorted attitude towards themselves and others, they are not capable of trust, too often at odds with their own feelings, prone to cruel relations with others, as if taking revenge on them again and again for their experience of humiliation.

Another important point in counseling on the problem of child-parent relations: when analyzing each conflict situation, help the parent walk on both sides of the street of upbringing interaction, look at what happened through the eyes of both an adult and a child. It is important to ask yourself the following questions: what in the history of my child's development could lead to aggressive behavior? Could this situation provoke an outbreak of anger? What is the “adult's contribution” to the conflict? Only in this way will we learn to understand at least something of what we want to influence. If we look into the “spiritual underground” of children and parents, we will see the “hell” of mutual grievances and mental trauma, love and hatred, which “equally mark a person's life path”.

Studies of the nature of aggressive behavior (K. Butner, V. A. Goryanina, E. V. Olshanskaya, etc.). showed that fear lies at the heart of any conflict, which, at first glance, is unmotivated, an explosion of child's aggression. All numerous fears (before death, society and its individual representatives, persons of the opposite sex, before their forbidden, from the point of view of morality, feelings) are characteristic of both the child and the adult who is raising him. They arise on the basis of a negative experience experienced: the memory of it is actualized in the fear of being traumatized, offended. The fear of being attacked in a situation somewhat reminiscent of past experience is transformed into anger, rage, an archaic feeling of anger.

The first step towards a truly humane upbringing is in the understanding by adults of the subjective image of the child's world, his feelings and emotions, including those that are accustomed to be considered negative in our culture; the second is in the desire to overcome fear, to create a fear-free relationship, a “corrective experience of caring”. To do this, it is necessary to abandon the manipulation of behavior and repressive measures (marks, remarks, punishments, etc.) and turn to the sphere of feelings and experiences of the child, learn to understand the child and interact with him.

The idea of ​​a corrective caring experience is easier to articulate than to implement. There are many obstacles on her way. And the first of them are parents brought up in fear and lack of freedom. That is why it is advisable to include methods in counseling parents that give living knowledge and liberate their own emotional-reflective sphere, allowing them to accept themselves and feel confident in interacting with children.

In the process of counseling parents, two work tactics are possible:

the first is to enhance the cognitive aspect. Here, the most important issues of upbringing and psychological development of children, marital relations, etc., are mainly revealed;

the second is work primarily with the emotional, sensual side of relationships, the search for true, unconscious causes of violations in relationships. Particular attention is paid to the relationship between the consultant and the clients, and role modeling of problem situations and finding ways to get out of them often becomes the main tool. The group form of work is often used, where the condition of internal and external

change becomes the very situation of social influence. This is reflected in the following:

group members are influenced by the leader and other members of the group process;

members are identified with each other and the group leader;

each of the participants appropriates group experience through work with their own and others' emotional problems.

In the classroom, a special place is given to the analysis of family relations, techniques and methods of education in grandparent families. An integral part of the lessons are homework for parents, familiarity with various games and the disclosure of the psychological aspects of a particular game.

The choice of work tactics is determined by the duration of counseling, education, the age of clients, the type of family they represent (full or incomplete), the willingness of the parents for the upcoming internal work. However, in the process of long-term counseling, according to the type of psychological support, the work, as a rule, acquires an integrative character: the focus of the consultant is on both sides, although to varying degrees at different stages of work.

These tactics can be used in social safety nets.

Questions and tasks

1. Describe the main approaches to family counseling.

2. Expand the main stages of the counseling process.

3. Describe the methods and techniques used in family counseling.

4. Describe the main approaches to family counseling.

5. What are the main types of practice for family counselors.

6. What are the basic requirements for working with a married couple?

7. What are the features of counseling about the difficulties of relationships with children.

Abstract topics

1. Individual psychological counseling.

2. Family Counseling.

3. Counseling for a married couple.

4. Family counselor: personality and activity.

Aleshina Yu. E. Individual and family psychological counseling. - M., 1994.

Bayard R., Bayard J. Your Troubled Teenager: A Practical Guide for Desperate Parents. - M., 1991.

Burmenskaya G.V., Karabanova O.A., Lidere A.G. Age-psychological counseling: Problems of mental development of children. - M., 1990.

Winnicott D. Conversation with parents. - M., 1994.

Whitaker K., Bamberri V. Dances with family. - M., 1997.

Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child ... How? - M., 1997.

Jainott H.J. Parents and children. - M., 1992.

Loseva V. K., Lunkov A. I. Consider the problem. - M., 1995.

Nelson-Jones R. Theory and practice of counseling. - SPb., 2000.

Oaklander V. Windows into the world of the child: A guide to child psychotherapy. - M., 1997.

Satyr V. How to build yourself and your family. - M., 1992.