Virginia Satir's typology of survival states:

Type of incongruent personality discovered by Virginia Satir in the course of communication with families

When Virginia Satir described her four classical types of neurotics - the Jester, the Despot, the Calculating Machine and the Good Man, she had not yet come across the practice of family therapy every day ... Her relatives were not sitting in her office blowing their noses in handkerchiefs ...

And so, as in that time - Plato, revising her theory in her mature years and writing a new one, Virginia Satir hastened to correct her unfortunate mistake - and supplemented the picture of personality types with the last - sixth type.

In addition to her mistake, Virginia Satir also saw that the last, incongruent type - “Co-Dependent” lives somehow on an individual basis and must be built up from those four types.

And indeed. The difference between them is fundamental. Like between chickenpox and gonorrhea.

Making a reservation, we can say that the four (described by us) incongruent ways to adapt to life are confessed by people, relatively speaking, ... self-sufficient.

And the Jester, and the Despot, and the Good-natured, and the Calculating Machine - need everyone at once and ... no one in particular ...

Of particular danger is the Co-Dependent Personality Type, the Co-Dependent State of Survival...

Here are the epithets (in order for us to better recognize this type in our acquaintances) Virginia Satir herself applies to him:

• dependent,
• dissolving himself in another,
• constantly present,
• involved,
• caring.

We call this type "Chekhov's Darling Type"...

Let's see what words this type of incongruent person uses:

The words:

• we have,
• me and you - we are one
• we are like that,
• we can (we can't).

Attention! In any context, the Co-Dependent Type sees only a kind of WE, but never I. This can be:

• we are a family (We, the Sokolovs...)
• we are a nation
• we are compatriots
• we are a yard company,
• we are a corporation
• we are the position
• we are a profession
• we are gender (gender: w\m),
• we are a subculture
• we are whatever...

Body and posture: The codependent type knows no boundaries of personal space. When talking, he approaches you, steps, breathes in your face, touches your hands, twists the buttons.

What he feels inside himself: The codependent type, of course, weeps within himself. This is what distinguishes it from Martinbuber's state of perfect merging "I am you". There - happiness and harmony, high philosophy based on Kabbalah (incomprehensible without preparation). Here are internal sobs, "chronic internal lack" and belittling of one's personality.

This is what a Co-Dependent feels inside (by Virginia Satir)

“I don’t exist, because in general I am nobody. I exist FOR others and TOGETHER with others. I am them. I am only when we are all together.”

Behavior: The codependent type is very easy to recognize. As Virginia Satir says, he always cares too much about others (hyper-responsible for the lives of others) and cares little about himself (hypo-responsible for what happens to himself).

How it is perceived by other people: Causes irritation with its obsession.

At the same time, he is admired for his self-sacrifice.

For those who know him little, he evokes sympathy and pity, because because of small thoughts about himself, he walks almost in rags and is malnourished. (Not always, but that's how it is)...

What do you expect to receive in return from other people:

From those with whom he is in a co-dependent relationship, he expects to receive (attention!) FULL SUBMISSION

From the rest, he expects to receive praise for his way of life.

Codependent is precisely this and differs from all other similar ways of behavior - he tries to completely subjugate and control the person whom he has chosen as his victim ...

Resource (positive qualities): willingness to help and be needed

What is a codependent person doing?

Among those who meet on his way, he diligently selects the neurotics of the four types we have listed and ... adapts to their leading needs.

A co-dependent is a sticky fish. This fish always sticks to those who feel internal discomfort as a result of their incongruity.

The codependent fills this void with himself. But after a while... creates a CLOSED RELATIONSHIP that actually destroys, absorbs a person of any type.

As Virginia Satir bitterly noted, co-dependents have a very interesting ability - to make everyone dependent on them ...

What is the difference between a Co-Dependent and a Kind Peacemaker?

If you remember, Kindly likes to nod his head (in response to any nasty thing we do) and say: "Yes, yes ... You're right, they're all wrong."

But don't count on more from Dobryak... He won't go to your house to wash your socks.

Codependent will go. And this meeting on your Path will be the most fatal...

Develop your congruency!

What is codependency?

Codependency is a dysfunctional model of behavior in a relationship, in which one person (codependent) is completely focused, if not obsessed, on the interests of another and on his life. Tries to control his actions and behavior, to manipulate him in any way, to try to influence him in order to "re-educate" him, has an obsessive need to take care of another person and experiences strong concern about his well-being, at the same time feels like a victim and in his soul, secretly blames the other person for all his life's misfortunes.

Initially, the term “codependency” was used to refer to the spouses of a person suffering from alcohol dependence and sounded like “co-alcoholic”, but over time it has become much more widely used. A person can be addicted not only to alcohol or drugs, but also suffer from any behavioral addiction (gambling, shopaholicism, etc.), and in this case, not only the spouse of this person is codependent, but also his parents, children, brothers and sisters, colleagues or friends.

Hidden reward

In studying families of alcoholics, psychologists have found that the spouse and children of an addict unconsciously exhibit behaviors that encourage drinking when family members, often without realizing it, become addicted to the alcoholic's addiction, facilitating and sometimes subconsciously provoking it. They could derive some benefit from the alcoholism of the addict, for example, the spouses became “strong” and took responsibility for the family, thus increasing their own importance in their eyes, or justify themselves to the boss for being late, blaming everything on the spouse’s drunkenness.

More generally, the term "codependency" is applied to people who suffer from a constant focus on the needs and behaviors of others. Many experts argue that people suffering from any type of addiction (chemical or behavioral) also suffer from codependency. Codependent people become so completely absorbed in other people's problems and needs that they completely neglect their own. Some experts are even of the opinion that codependency is by far the most common of all existing addictions, and that this acquired behavior is hereditary, being passed from one generation to another not genetically, but through the upbringing system established in the family and ethno-cultural traditions.

Codependency is the pain experienced in adulthood from a childhood wound that eventually leads not only to serious relationship problems, but also to the possible formation of addictive disorders later in life.

Signs of addiction.

Below is a list of the most common signs of codependency. However, each situation is always unique and it is important to note that this behavior does not necessarily mean that you are in a codependent relationship. During the consultation process, one can easily distinguish one from the other.

1) Seeks to take on other people's problems

A co-dependent feels responsible for the behavior of a loved one, covering up her husband’s drunkenness to his superiors and explaining another absenteeism by feeling unwell or taking out a loan to pay off the debts of a losing son, realizing that otherwise he will simply steal this money.

2) Worries that the other person will leave

Codependents constantly experience a strong internal fear that they will leave him. A negative childhood experience. In order to avoid this, they are ready to do anything that, in their opinion, will help save the relationship, even if these actions will have the opposite effect.

3) Focuses on the feelings of a loved one.

A hallmark of codependency is alexithymia, which is the difficulty in recognizing and expressing one's own emotions and the inability to separate them from the emotions of another person. Thus, emotionally merging with another person, the codependent finds himself on a kind of “roller coaster”, plunging into his life and trying to control this life.

4) He puts the needs of others above his own.

Sometimes, putting the other person first is just showing love. But in a codependent relationship, the person will place far more importance on the well-being of the other than their own. The self-esteem of a codependent person is determined by his ability to provide for the well-being of others. If this does not work out, then the codependent can fall into a real and severe depression.

5) Neglects personal principles in the interests of another person.

A codependent person will remain very committed, even if the other person doesn't deserve it. In the beginning, they may make rather harsh demands, but in the end, they will still back down, agreeing to do anything to avoid the anger and rejection of the other person. For example, they may want love, care, and attention from their partner, but end up agreeing to just have sex. To the detriment of their interests, they will do what the partner requires of them.

6) Controls the other person in everything.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your loved one is doing well. However, with codependency, the desire to control becomes hypertrophied, turning into an obsessive desire to track the slightest movement of a partner, any change in the situation in which he is, turning literally into surveillance and total control, with the requirement to report every minute on what is happening. A co-dependent person can literally spend all their free time figuring out where their loved one is at the moment, what he is doing, what his future plans are for the next half hour.

Codependents strive to maintain maximum stability in their home and family in everything and by any means. To this end, they constantly lead their loved ones, interfere in their affairs, advise them on how to act in a given situation, and they are not at all embarrassed by the fact that no one was interested in their opinion. They think that they can “re-educate and teach to do the right thing”, help another person become better.

8) Avoids conflict.

A codependent person can act very passively and in every possible way avoid the open manifestation of feelings and emotions on his part, which could cause displeasure of a loved one. They are afraid of provoking irritation of another person, rude words, or open aggression against them.

9) Self harm

When it is not possible to control external events, the codependent person transfers this control inward, to himself. For example, research shows a correlation between codependent relationships and the occurrence of eating disorders. Attempts to control your body can take the most severe form.

Personal characteristics of dependent people.

In order to understand whether a person has a predisposition to develop codependency, you can look at the following list of characteristic symptoms. We all, to one degree or another, they are inherent, and are a variant of the norm, because we were all brought up approximately according to the same pedagogical scheme. Difficulties begin only when a few of them begin to dominate the personality structure.

• Low self-esteem, which is expressed as self-rejection, conviction of one’s own inferiority and inferiority, lack of self-sufficiency, concern for other people’s opinion and dependence on it, when a person’s self-esteem and his psychological state depend on what strangers say about him.
• perfectionism
• The desire to please everyone, to be good for everyone, even to the detriment of oneself.
• Weak personal boundaries: lack of distance, isolation from other people, inability to maintain personal space and unwillingness to recognize the right to privacy for a partner, inability to say “no” or stop someone else's aggressive behavior.
• Reactivity
• Dysfunctionality of interpersonal communications: significant difficulties in the adequate and understandable expression of one's own thoughts and feelings, the use of a large number of obscene expressions in speech, a lack of understanding of one's own desires and needs and, as a result, the inability to articulate them clearly.
• Emotional and psychological dependence on people: fear of loneliness, fear of being left without a relationship. Feeling trapped in toxic relationships, however, the desire to keep them at any cost, even to the detriment of oneself and one's own interests, despite the manifestation of complete neglect or open aggression against oneself, just not to be alone. The tendency to rely on someone else's opinion in everything, the inability to make independent decisions and delegating this right at times to completely strangers, just to avoid responsibility.

• Problems with intimacy. Avoidance of psychological intimacy, loss of self, desire to control or manipulate other people in their own interests. A constant feeling of toxicity in existing relationships, their burdensomeness.

• Rejection of reality. The denial of the existence of codependence, and most often simply because of unawareness of its presence, when a person experiences severe psychological stress and emotional discomfort, but does not know what needs to be done to change the situation. Denial of painful reality in a relationship, despite its complete evidence. Denial of one's own feelings, rejection of personal needs.
• Jealousy: always, to everyone and for any reason.
• Control. The desire to “take care of yourself”, control your own feelings, as well as control all close and not so people, try to control them, tell them what they should do and what they should not. Always give advice, to everyone and in everything, even if it causes a frankly negative reaction in a person, and immediately be offended if the opponent did not follow “wise” advice, declaring him a fool. Manipulate others, "for their own good", thus increasing their own self-esteem.
• Obsession.
• Addiction: often the presence of a chemical or behavioral addiction.
• Constant experience of unpleasant and painful emotions: shame, anxiety, fear, guilt, feelings of hopelessness, despair, depression. Moreover, this is a general and stable negative emotional background. These feelings always haunt and morally oppress a person. Sometimes it can even be very difficult to identify the specific source of their occurrence (but it certainly exists), and it seems to a person that there is only a black streak in his life that will not end in any way.

How do we become codependent?

According to the general opinion, codependence is formed in childhood. If the child was brought up in a dysfunctional family, where at least one of the adults suffered from addiction (alcohol or drugs), mental or chronic physical illness.

In addition, codependency can form in families where there are very strict rules for upbringing, with harsh methods of punishment for the slightest offense. When a child is intimidated by separation from parents (I will rent it to an orphanage, I will give it to my uncle). But parents often do not take into account that for the child they are the most significant figures in life. The threat of their loss has a severe negative impact on the child, because he takes everything seriously. In some cases, parents in a playful manner even imitate such actions, as if leaving and leaving the child alone in an unfamiliar place or offering to take it to strangers. At such moments, the child experiences an acute fright, the memory of which remains with him for life.

In such families, there are rigidly established peculiar “codes of laws”, for the violation of which the child is severely punished. Here it is not customary to freely express emotions, talk about your needs, openly discuss emerging problem situations. Communication between family members is built indirectly, often with the involvement of third parties (relatives, friends, neighbors). Children in such families must guess the wishes of their parents and their mood. This can sometimes determine not only whether the child will receive encouragement, but an elementary opportunity to avoid violence, the manifestation of which is often the norm. Excessive emotionality and playfulness is also undesirable. The child is expected to be selfless and resilient, and should not disturb elders or disturb the family status quo.

Waiting for trouble

Another factor contributing to the formation of codependent behavior is the habit of children raised in dysfunctional families to expect the worst. They are constantly ready for aggression from adults. In adulthood, such people tend to prepare for the worst possible scenario for any situation. They see everything in black and always anticipate an imminent catastrophe. This expectation of disaster often leads to an emotional chain reaction that creates a "self-fulfilling prophecy." And what happens to a person is exactly what he was most afraid of. People who are "stuck" in these psychological attitudes consider them normal, do not know a different way of thinking and responding.

All this can negatively affect self-esteem in the process of its formation, and teach a person certain “survival skills” that he will use throughout his life. As a result, ineffective behavioral strategies are formed when solving problems.

The biggest difficulty that people face in the case of codependency is the lack of awareness of the fact that the problem is in them. They simply do not understand what exactly is wrong with them, because they behave, from their point of view, completely normal. Moreover, one can always say that in their actions they are guided only by good intentions.

After all, there is nothing wrong with taking care of a loved one, wishing him well, participating in his life, supporting him in difficult times, etc. Understanding internally that the relationship is not healthy, they are convinced that the problem is either related to another person, or is situational in nature and continue to complain about life trying to fix the other person.

It is very difficult for a person to change his worldview on his own. All his inner being opposes this, because living with old problems is much more convenient than looking for solutions for them. But you must always remember that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. Trust your intuition and listen to it.

In addition, there is always the opportunity to seek professional advice. Psychotherapy can help people understand why they have built this dysfunctional relationship with the outside world and how to deal with it. Today, there are a number of techniques, including family and cognitive behavioral therapy, that have proven themselves well in working with codependency. Awareness is the first and most important step in dealing with a problem. With awareness comes the opportunity for change. Codependency is a learned behavioral pattern. This means that it lends itself perfectly to correction, although it requires the application of certain efforts, but it can and should be changed!

It is a personality disorder, much like an addiction, i.e. addictive behavior (the desire to escape from reality by changing one's mental state with alcohol, drugs, chemicals, food, mind-altering techniques, gambling, dangerous sports, etc.). You can read about addictive behavior in my article "Dependences".

These two personality disorders are interrelated. The vast majority of people who are addicted were originally co-dependent. Codependent people are at risk of people prone to addictions. In such people, when in contact with addictions (substances, activities, behavior to which there is a biological and psychological dependence), dependence occurs faster and proceeds more strongly than those who do not have codependent personality traits.

Therefore, the first recommendation for codependent individuals is to build their lives in such a way as not to come into contact with addictions. The task of such people (very difficult and almost impossible for them for many reasons, which I will write about below) is to always remain in reality, whatever it may be. Remain in reality with pure thinking and perception.

Now I will list the features of behavior by which you can define a codependent person.

• Inability (or great difficulty) to make everyday decisions without outside help. The codependent person actually allows these decisions to be made for themselves. Accepting someone else's life plan or other people's value systems imposed on him, he becomes unhappy, because someone else's choice usually does not correspond to his own internal needs and abilities. Often the codependent person is not aware of this discrepancy, he just feels unhappy living the way he lives. At the same time, he suppresses negative emotions associated with the fact that he does not live his own life. And these emotions often erupt in the form of anger and aggressiveness, leaving behind a feeling of guilt and shame.

• A conciliatory position, manifested in agreement with others without any resistance and analysis of the situation. At the same time, a codependent person often internally disagrees with others, but agrees, because he does not know how to defend his interests and defend his point of view. He is also afraid of the consequences that his independent judgment may lead to - the rupture of meaningful relationships.

• Inability to draw up and implement their own plans and initiatives. Already drawing up a plan causes difficulties and doubts like: “How will it be assessed by others?”. The assumption of a bad estimate immediately causes a desire to abandon the plan. A codependent person does not realize himself.

• Loneliness for codependent individuals is an extremely uncomfortable state. They try their best to avoid loneliness. They try to be constantly in any kind of relationship, so they enter into a relationship at the first opportunity, and often these contacts are destructive and questionable. Relationships for such people are a support, without which they cannot exist. In the event of a violation of even these unproductive relationships, such individuals feel devastated, experiencing a breakup as a dramatic event, with loss of a foothold, confusion, and the inability to correctly assess reality. This behavior is accompanied by a search for new contacts, which can be even more destructive. But even such a contact, co-dependent people are very afraid of losing, avoid breaking off relations. And they cannot get rid of this fear of losing relationships, because independence is even more frightening.

• A co-dependent person has a great need to be liked by others, to be perceived by other people as a good person. For this, codependent people make a lot of efforts. They often do what they do not like to do in order to please their partner and please others. In relationships with people (including in family relationships), co-dependent people do everything to be irreplaceable, so that others know that they can rely on them and would appreciate them for it.

• Co-dependent people most often have partners or spouses who have some kind of addiction (workaholics, alcoholics, drug addicts, addicted to food, gambling, etc.).

Now I will talk about the psychological characteristics of a co-dependent personality, about the features of the inner world of such people.

• In modern TA (transactional analysis) there is an idea of ​​the so-called scenario orders (see the section "Terms of TA"). So, for co-dependent people, the main command (unconscious attitude towards oneself) is “Don’t be significant.” This command is the cause of two important psychological characteristics of codependent people.

1. Co-dependent individuals do not know how and do not dare to evaluate themselves, not considering their opinion important, significant. They evaluate their behavior, their life, based on how other people evaluate their behavior and life. If there is no communication, then there is no evaluation of other people. Alone, codependent people get lost, they can’t do anything, because they can’t prioritize. At the same time, they feel internal chaos. Codependent people are constantly looking for companionship and communication. They use communication with other people in the same way that addicts use alcohol, drugs, etc.
2. Co-dependent people do not consider themselves significant and do not consider their needs and feelings significant. They, as a rule, do not even feel their feelings, do not notice them. And if they do not notice their feelings and needs, they cannot express them, say about them, which makes it difficult for them to contact in intimate relationships. They do not show their deepest feelings and do not talk about the presence of needs, but instead expect that the partner himself will guess and satisfy them. This makes it impossible to develop relationships. Relationships eventually end in a breakup. In addition, not realizing their feelings, a codependent person does not know how to choose partners. Codependent people do not choose, they themselves become objects of choice (they are chosen). Once a codependent personality is chosen by someone, the codependent personality "sticks" to a partner and holds on tightly to him, because this connection provides her with a sense of security and helps her survive. A co-dependent person immediately becomes addicted to a partner (as to alcohol, drugs, food, etc.). And the codependent person is ready to pay any price for the continuation of this relationship. Attachment relations are very peculiar. They have no development, they are static, because exclude the possibility of mutual enrichment. Both partners spend a lot of energy and time on maintaining such a relationship.

• A codependent person has no psychological boundaries. Codependents do not know where their personality ends and where the other person's personality begins. The absence of boundaries is, of course, not realized, like all other psychological features that I am talking about here. Such a personality “sticks” to a partner, “dissolves” in him, becomes, as it were, a part of his body. Such relationships in TA are called symbiotic (see section “Terms of TA”). Without truly experiencing their own emotions, codependent people are very strongly influenced by the emotions that arise in a partner. They feel the partner's emotions along with the partner. So, for example, if a family member comes home in a state of oppression, then a codependent person experiences a similar state, not realizing that oppression "belongs to another." Such dissolution in a partner and the absence of their own boundaries leads to the fact that co-dependent people perceive everything that happens around them as directly related to them. They take responsibility for everything that happens, for example, they feel guilty for a bad mood in another family member.

• In order for a co-dependent person to be chosen for a relationship, a co-dependent person strives to be a “good person” for others. Codependent people are always trying to create a favorable impression of themselves. It is absolutely essential for them that others perceive them the way they would like them to. If people around want to see a codependent person as a decent person, then a codependent person will behave like a decent person. Codependent people are always concerned about what others think of them. The main goal is to try to guess the desire of others and satisfy it. In this they succeed, because. feel good about other people. In TA, this behavioral habit is referred to as the “Please Others” driver (see TA Terms section). The script setting of such people is that if they manage to satisfy their loved ones and become what they want to see, they will feel safe, because other people will satisfy them in gratitude. Actually, this doesn't happen. A codependent person serves others throughout his life, playing the role of a savior or a martyr. At the same time, codependent people consider themselves responsible for everything that happens to their loved ones. They unconsciously consider themselves to be the "center of the universe", take responsibility for everything that happens around them, and constantly expand the circle of this responsibility, making it an unbearable burden. Others perceive the behavior of such people as altruists.

• Despite the seeming softness, codependent people are very rigid (rigidity is psychological slowness, the inability to change in accordance with the requirements of the situation). It is extremely difficult to convince them of anything, to offer them an alternative.

• Codependent people often have dishonesty, which manifests itself in the fact that they deceive others, hiding their problems. They intentionally give the impression of being OK by exaggerating or even inventing attributes of the well-being (material and psychological) of their family. This negatively affects children, as children have to lead a double life, hiding from their peers and acquaintances the events taking place in the family.

• Co-dependent people have poorly developed spirituality, they are characterized by excessive earthiness. Perhaps this is the reason for their dishonesty with other people. They get bogged down in the details that matter to them and cannot afford to waste time on spiritual development. Many of them have a suppressed religious feeling, although outwardly they give the impression of martyrs.

As I wrote above, codependency is in many ways similar to dependence on a substance (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) or on a certain activity (gaming addiction, etc.). At the same time, codependence is a more severe form of dependence than dependence on a substance or a certain activity.

Now I will list the main characteristics by which codependent people and addicts (persons dependent on a substance or a certain activity) coincide. Both of them are characterized by:

• dishonesty, the desire to give a false impression of the absence of problems

• lack of "healthy relationships", with the manifestation of their own emotions

• “freezing” of emotions, reservation (accumulation) of emotions

• lack of contact with their own feelings (both do not feel their feelings)

• misunderstanding the meaning and consequences of one's behavior

• their life model is built on logic that does not correspond to reality

• communication with them can only take place in their language, the rest will be “reflected” (not accepted) with the help of psychological protection

• desire for control

• egocentrism

• mental retardation

• the use of denial (as a psychological defense), including the denial of one's problems, which prevents seeking help and makes psychotherapy difficult.

Codependency in most cases is formed in families in which one or more members were addicts (people addicted to a substance or a certain activity).

I think that codependency can also form in a family in which no one has had addictive (dependant on a substance or a certain activity) behavior. In this case, one of the parents, or both parents, extremely controlled the children, did not allow them to be independent, forming dependence on themselves in the children.

Codependent people most often choose addicts as their partners. Or their partners become addicts, because the behavior and nature of codependent people create a favorable climate for the development of addictive behavior.

Folding tandems (codependent personality + addict) suit both. A codependent person, based on his psychological characteristics, spends more of his time and energy on solving the problems of an addict. On his guardianship, courting him, helping him in difficult situations, trying to control the addict, creating obstacles in the way of his addictive behavior.

At the same time, a co-dependent person does not develop on his own, but a co-dependent person may even like this internally, because he is so involved in the life of an addict that he feels like a necessary person, on whom much depends.

In TA, the life and behavior of such a tandem is called "the game of Alcoholism." The members of the tandem are equally dependent on each other, and by their behavior they support the existence of both the tandem and the dependence of the tandem member.

And if the tandem co-dependent person + addict breaks up, the co-dependent person does not feel relief and freedom from dropping the burden of responsibility. On the contrary, there is a feeling of emptiness and loss of the meaning of life. This explains the creation of a new family by a co-dependent person, equivalent to the old one, with playing the same roles.

In such relationships, the co-dependent person feels familiar, because in the family of origin, parents demanded precisely such behavior from the co-dependent person (serving their needs, solving their problems, taking responsibility for themselves and for them). Script messages received by codependents in family of origin: "Don't think of yourself, think of me", "Don't be significant", "Don't be close", "Don't feel your feelings, feel my feelings", "Don't grow up".

Codependency Therapy

This is a difficult task, but doable, at least in TA therapy.

Codependent people have very strong and destructive script messages in their script. By fulfilling these messages (each person unconsciously fulfills their script messages), codependent people remain within their script and do not see alternative ways of life.

For a codependent person, it is important to change, first of all, the behavior associated with the script message "Don't feel your feelings, feel my feelings." To do this, he first gets rid of this message. Then he learns a new behavior (feeling his feelings and being aware of his needs).

Then the codependent person works with the messages “Don't be significant”: he changes his attitude towards himself, his self-esteem. Then with the message "Don't be close." Spending all his time on servicing a partner (and for other reasons), a codependent person does not communicate with a partner on a deeper level, does not get intimate with him, i.e. avoids real intimacy. In addition, the consequence of this message is that the codependent person believes that no one is interested or needed, that he will be noticed and loved only if he helps other, weaker people.

As a result of getting rid of these messages, the codependent person will appreciate and respect himself, take care of himself in the same way as he used to take care of others. She will choose partners herself and build psychologically close (intimate) relations of equality with them.

Then the codependent person also successfully copes with the rest of the script messages. To do this, TA has many possibilities and techniques.

With respect and best wishes, Irina Letova.
The copyright for the content of the text is reserved.
© 2005 Irina Letova. All rights reserved.

When writing this article, some materials published in the following books were used:

1. Clinical Psychiatry, ed. T. B. Dmitrieva
2. C.P. Korolenko, N. V. Dmitrieva, Sociodynamic Psychiatry
3. Claude Steiner, Treatment of Alcoholism

Ideas about what "codependency" is or “co-dependent relationships” differ: some believe that this is how you can describe a relationship with a person with some kind of addiction, for example, alcohol, others - that we are talking about relationships where interpersonal boundaries suffer or are violated. We decided to figure out what these terms mean today and what to do if you recognize yourself in these situations.

The neurotic personality of our time

There is still no single definition of codependency. Many people use this term to describe the behavior of a person whose partner has an alcohol, drug or gambling addiction - in this case, they mean a dysfunctional relationship in which one person maintains a painful state of another. However, this concept is often defined much more broadly - as a pathological state of emotional, social, financial or even physical dependence on a person. Co-dependents can be two adults - usually partners, friends or parents with grown children. Co-dependence does not concern small children - after all, the younger ones by default depend on the older ones. However, a dysfunctional relationship with parents can set the stage for a future problem.

In the late 1930s, one of the first codependencies (the term itself, however, did not yet exist) was described by the German psychoanalyst Karen Horney: she studied people who cling to others in order to cope with basic anxiety. “People of this type,” Horney wrote in The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, “are in particular danger of falling into a painful dependence on love relationships.”

Around the same time, self-help groups Alcoholics Anonymous became widespread in the United States. Their organizers drew attention to the fact that alcoholism is a form of “family dysfunction” (dysfunctional families are those that cannot move to the next stage of development, for example, let go of teenagers or adapt to external changes). Thus, the idea was formed that the parents and spouses of chemically dependent patients sometimes behave in ways that only contribute to the aggravation of the problem of their loved one. In 1986, the first group, Co-Dependents Anonymous, emerged, whose members admitted that they were "helpless before others" and tend to "use other people as their only source of integrity, value, and well-being."

One stumbles - both fall

“But we are all, to one degree or another, dependent on loved ones?” you might ask. Undoubtedly, but in the case of codependency, everything is more complicated. In relationships without such a problem, adults, figuratively speaking, go through life holding hands - and if one suddenly stumbles, the other will support him. In co-dependent relationships, people, on the contrary, seem to shift the center of gravity to the partner. But, firstly, you won’t go far in such a position, and secondly, when one stumbles, both fall.

Codependent relationships suggest that people are so connected in different areas of life that they cannot act autonomously. If their relationship deteriorates or breaks down, other areas of life instantly suffer - from professional fulfillment to physical health or material well-being. For co-dependent people, a partner (or close friend or relative) is a "feeder" from which basic needs are replenished, from material well-being to a sense of security, and which is designed to heal their emotional wounds.

Codependency is, first of all, extreme emotional and mental immersion in the life of another, a mixture of roles, functions and emotions. Co-dependent people are very easily "infected" with the mood of a loved one and immediately take all manifestations of his feelings at their own expense. The train of thought turns out something like this: a partner who just came from work is annoyed not because he is hungry, tired or he had a bad day, but because he is not happy to see me. He/she is sad because I said something wrong. Anger, displeasure, sadness, apathy in such people instantly become common - as if their emotional systems with a loved one are not separated, but are two communicating vessels, and feelings freely “overflow” from one person to another.

In a relationship without codependency, a person is primarily in control of their own life, health, and emotional state. He understands that he can influence the emotions and lives of loved ones (any trusting relationship implies a relationship), but he has no idea to control them. In co-dependent relationships, a person tries a lot and often to control the mind, feelings and behavior of the second person. Of course, this control is only an illusion, but attempts can fill almost a lifetime.

Someone convinces a husband or wife to stop drinking, smoking or taking drugs, promises to go to a psychologist together - but only in order to solve the problem of a partner. Someone wants a better position and a better salary for him or her and discusses with friends how to "motivate" the other person to achieve. You may want a friend to make an appointment with a doctor, start eating right and lose weight, because it will supposedly be better for her health and personal life.

The line between the usual desire to help a loved one and codependency lies in regularity and perseverance. If "help" becomes a separate task - we begin to make plans to convince a friend to lose weight, and her husband - to ask the boss for a raise, we try to sign them up for a training or a gym, we look for hours and then, as if by chance, palm off literature on the topic - we are already talking about codependency. At this moment we are trying to control someone else's life.

People who experience codependency are so afraid of the threat of separation that they prefer to act and think for the other person instead of looking at their behavior with an open mind.

Another feature of codependence is the confusion of roles. A codependent person tries to be a psychotherapist, doctor, nutritionist, personal manager for a loved one - instead of being just a partner or friend, sharing life and impressions from it. You can go to a doctor with a loved one, help him choose a psychotherapist or write a resume outside of a co-dependent relationship. But, unlike ordinary help, with codependency, a person wants to replace the desires of another with his own, tries to forcefully push him to where he is not really eager to get.

At this point, a person who thinks like a co-dependent will usually object (very reasonable in his frame of reference): “But if he (she) is not pushed, he (she) will not do anything! He will not stop drinking, he will lie on the couch and not work, continue to get sick and wither. This is unfortunately true: an adult can choose not to take care of their health, not earn money, or live with a chemical addiction. And then his partner or friend, most likely, will face the question of how comfortable and acceptable close relationships are with someone who threatens his life by refusing treatment, or is almost never sober, or with someone who does not work and who needs to be kept. People experiencing codependency are so afraid of the threat of separation that they prefer to act and think for the other instead of looking at his behavior with an open mind and deciding if they want to be around such a person.

The idea of ​​improving someone else's life instead of your own is central to codependents. If you look for the origins of this desire, it will most likely turn out that they would like a good life after all for themselves: in prosperity, peace, with a person who is interested in something other than beer and computer games, who does not risk dying every week from an overdose . But they have an idea that it is impossible to achieve this directly, on their own - and they try to achieve a good life, as it were, through another person, most often someone who is completely unsuitable for this. For example, instead of building their own career on their own, they “motivate” a partner to ask for a raise.

Illusion of control

If you partially or completely recognized yourself in the description of codependent behavior, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Most likely, as a child, you were surrounded by adults who did not build healthy boundaries in communication with each other and with you, were unable to bear responsibility for your well-being and upbringing, and instead shifted it to you. This is how you “learned” a codependent style of behavior.

How can this happen? For example, a mother and grandmother send a little boy to calm a drunken, raging grandfather, because "he loves his grandson and will not touch him, and no one else can handle him." So the child is instilled with a distorted picture of the world, in which a six-year-old can be responsible for what two adult women cannot cope with, and at the same time - where love can calm down, and maybe even heal. Or the family where the mother, unable to control her spending, asks her ten-year-old daughter at the mall, "Make sure I don't buy too much." Financial responsibility seems to pass under the control of the girl. In fact, of course, this is not so: the mother at any moment can say: “I am the eldest here, and I decide,” and then again blame the daughter that she “did not keep” her from unnecessary purchases.

Excellent "educate" co-dependent people of the family, where parents make children attorneys in adult affairs. For example, they tell them about their sex life, infidelities, abortions, relationships, ask for advice on vital decisions: divorce or not, whether to change jobs. Or they make the child a mediator in adult conflicts: “Go and tell your father that if he behaves like this with me ...” In such families, adults often attribute responsibility to children for their mood or physical condition: “I was so worried about your deuce that I now have a migraine. They’ll take you to the hospital, you’ll be to blame”; “Mom and I are worried about your behavior and therefore quarreled. Our family is falling apart because of you!”

The child is instilled with a distorted picture of the world, where a six-year-old can be responsible for what adults cannot handle

Thus, the child gets used to the idea that he controls the situation over which he has no real power: after all, the mother will divorce when she herself or her husband wants; parents will reconcile when they see fit; work on the advice of a five-year-old girl, too, no one changes. This illusion is of great concern, because such a responsibility is actually beyond the strength of a child: he does not know how and should not solve adult issues. And at the same time, this is a big deception, because in reality each person controls only his own behavior.

What should a codependent person do? Breaking codependency by Janey and Barry Weinhold and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood remain excellent "tutorials" on the problem of codependency. Along with other twelve-step programs, there are free self-help groups called Co-Dependents Anonymous; in Russia they operate in Moscow, St. Petersburg and many other large cities. Do not forget about personal therapy. Co-dependent people often seek to send a partner to a psychologist or go with him to a family specialist. But perhaps long-term individual work will be the best solution for a person who wants to learn how to make himself, and not others, the center of his life.