Many people want to learn to talk less and listen more. If you listen more, you will be able to gather information, get to know others better, and also learn to express yourself and your thoughts in a concise, concise manner. First, pay attention to when and how much you speak. Work on minimizing the frequency of your speech. Then move on to developing your listening skills. Pay attention to people who are talking by making eye contact, smiling and nodding. And then you will be able to benefit from your reticence.

Steps

Minimize the frequency of your speech

Speak only when it matters. Before you speak, ask yourself if it's really necessary. Try not to interfere in a conversation if you are not participating in it.

• People tend to listen to those who choose their words carefully. Those who constantly share their opinions or tell stories may eventually lose the interest of others. If you tend to talk a lot, you may find yourself giving out unnecessary information all the time.

1. Try not to speak to fill the void. This is often the cause of some people's chatter. You may find yourself chatting in certain professional situations, such as at work or school, to ease the awkwardness of being silent. However, sometimes silence is okay, and there is no need to speak just to fill the gap.

   • For example, if you or your colleague are in the break room at the same time, it is not necessary to start talking about this and that with him. If he doesn't seem to want to socialize, he's probably not in the mood for social interaction.
   • In this case, it's okay to just smile politely and remain silent.

2. Think carefully about your words. If you talk too much, chances are you're giving out the first thing that comes to mind without filtering. Learning to talk less means learning to think about your words. Before you say something, try to think over the speech in advance. This will help you keep things to yourself while making your speech more specific.

   Pay attention to the time when you speak. If you have a clear idea of ​​how long you've been chatting, you'll be able to talk less. On average, after 20 seconds of speaking, you risk losing the listener's attention. So after this point, tune in to the interlocutor. Look for any hint that his interest is fading.

   • Watch your body language. When the listener is bored, he can twist the phone in his hands or look into it. His eyes may wander. Try to keep within the next 20 seconds to give the interlocutor the opportunity to take part in the dialogue.
   • In general, try to speak for no more than 40 seconds at a time. A little more, and the interlocutor may feel annoyed or want to interrupt you.

3. Consider if you are chatting out of excitement. People often talk a lot because of an underlying sense of social unease. Notice when you are especially chatty. Are you experiencing anxiety or anxiety during this time? If so, work on dealing with it in a different way.

   • When you talk too much, stop and evaluate your mood. How are you feeling? Are you experiencing anxiety?
   • During an anxiety attack, you can count to 10 or take a deep breath. Try giving yourself parting words before social events. Remind yourself that it's okay to be nervous, but it's still worth relaxing and trying to have fun.
   • If feeling social anxiety is your main concern, see a therapist about it.

4. Try not to talk just to impress others. This is especially true in a work situation where people tend to talk a lot to impress others. If you find yourself talking a lot, consider whether you are trying to "show off".

   • If you tend to talk a lot to increase your value in the eyes of others, try reminding yourself that people will be more impressed by what you say than how often you do it.
   • Instead of talking too much about yourself, save your energy for moments when your contribution to the conversation will be meaningful.

   Listening more

   1. Concentrate only on the speaker. During a conversation, do not look at the phone and do not wander around the room with your eyes. Don't think about what you'll do after work or what you want to eat for dinner tonight. Direct your attention only to the speaker. This will help you listen better as you focus on what is being said.

      • Keep your eyes on the speaker most of the time. If you notice other thoughts creeping into your head, pull yourself back and get back to reality by continuing to listen.

   2. Maintain eye contact. It shows your attention. Make eye contact with the person as they speak. Eye contact will confirm that you are attentive and not in the clouds. Lack of eye contact can show you are rude or disinterested.

      • Electronic devices such as a mobile phone often require our attention, especially if they make sounds or send notifications. Keep your phone in your bag or pocket while you're talking so you won't be tempted to look elsewhere.
      • Eye contact will also let you know if you've bored someone. If the person looks away while you're talking, you're probably talking too much. Pause and pass the word to the interlocutor.

   3. Think about what the interlocutor is saying. Listening is not a passive act. While the interlocutor is talking, your job is to listen to what he is saying. Try to refrain from judgment during this process. Even if you disagree with what was said, wait until the person has finished speaking. While the interlocutor is talking, do not think about what you will answer.

      • Try to create a picture of what is being said. Think of images in your head that demonstrate what your interlocutor is talking about.
      • You can also pick up key words or phrases while a person is speaking.

   4. Clarify what the interlocutor is talking about. In any conversation, sooner or later it will be your turn to take the floor. However, before you do so, make it clear what you were really listening to. In your own words, paraphrase what was said to you and ask any questions you have. There is no need to repeat what has been said. Just rephrase your understanding of this. Also, keep in mind that active listening should help you pay close attention to the other person and show them that you are listening. Don't use active listening to insert comments or voice your opinion.

      Don't go overboard with eye contact. Eye contact is important, but it can be too stressful. Usually people associate it with self-confidence and attentiveness, but if you overdo it, you can look suspicious in the eyes of others. It is permissible to hold the gaze for about 7-10 minutes, and then take it away for a moment.

A simple everyday way to exhale and count to 10 helps to stop the initial desire, but in the future, the unspoken can become a heavy burden and greatly spoil the cheerful mood. We counted to 10 and found 10 ways that will help you not just keep silent, but learn to be more restrained without harming yourself and others.

1. Develop pragmatism

Of course, it is useful, otherwise we would not even feel the desire to respond to what we do not like. This is normal, because everyone is living people, but is this the benefit that we are striving for in the end? Hardly. In a moral fight, we injure ourselves and those with whom we quarrel, and breaking is easier and faster than repairing. When the focus is on the main, and not the momentary benefit, blurting out something inappropriate will not come to mind. After all, politeness and tact are quickly restored when it suddenly becomes clear to us that a loved one can be disappointed, management can be fined, and friends can be deprived of communication and mutual assistance.

2. Postpone the conversation

This method is very similar to the previous one, but it is necessary to postpone for a much longer period. Especially when the conversation is serious and the decision you have to make will affect your entire future life. An offer of a new job, the need to take sides in a conflict, a serious conversation with your husband. Do not give in to the first impulse and do not rush to dot the i's. Let your head cool down and weigh the pros and cons, and only then make and voice a decision.

3. "Undress" the interlocutor

Mentally, we can give the heard a completely different meaning - less valuable to us. In this sense, “to undress” means to remove the shell of importance from the aggressor, to bring him down from the pedestal and to “dress” him more simply. This method works well when you're tempted to answer your tyrant boss for his stupidity, but you know that it will cost you your job. Imagine how ridiculous he would look on the beach in blue swimming trunks with his belly at the ready. Is it possible to take such a person seriously and argue with him? Let it shake the air alone, and you enjoy the game of your own imagination.

4. Breathe deeply

Take a few deep breaths when you realize that the other person has already brought you to a boiling point, and you are ready to break loose. Breathe before you start scolding your child for not cleaning the room or before telling your friend new gossip. Deep breathing calms and oxygenates the brain, changing the physical state of the body. And this will help to calm down a little and think it over again.

5. Swap places with counterparts

This method will help in communicating with children when you really want to grab a prankster by the collar and give a thrashing for his antics. Imagine that it's you, and not him, who just broke a flower pot and threw a stone at a neighbor's window. Remember how your heart skipped a beat when parental anger was about to fall on your head. Perhaps after a few minutes of reminiscing, you will want to find another way to educate than screaming and swearing.

6. Follow folk wisdom

"Bite your tongue", "drank water in your mouth." It is generally accepted that these expressions speak of silence in a figurative sense. Why not try to embody their direct meaning? Of course, grabbing a glass of water every time is a little weird. But you can quietly bite your own tongue. Our brain is designed in such a way that it instantly switches to physical pain, forgetting about all other stimuli. Businessmen in negotiations sometimes use ordinary stationery gum. It is worn on the wrist and hidden under the cuffs. At moments when it is necessary to take a break and rethink an important point, a person imperceptibly pulls on an elastic band that unpleasantly digs into the skin. Thus, attention is switched to physical sensations and a decision is not made in a hurry.

7. We train endurance

Knowing the sin of incontinence, work on its elimination constantly. If you stepped on your foot on the bus, scolded in line, rude in the store, keep silent. Even if the temptation to put the insolent in his place is too great, and a small outburst of aggression will not harm your reputation, in no case give vent to anger. By holding back now, you can hold back when you need to. You will learn to control your emotions and your tongue so that it cannot spread to the enemy camp.

8. We speak ourselves

In psychology, there is such a thing as affirmation - a phrase that contains a certain formula and helps to fix the necessary in our subconscious. Remember how the heroine of Irina Muravyova repeated in front of the mirror about the most charming and attractive? So this technique works for talkers. or in moments when you just want to express everything that has accumulated. For example, let it be: “I know how to stop in time, I can remain silent at the right moment” or “I can control my words.” Over time, this statement will work, and you will really learn to control yourself.

9. Analyze it

As a rule, our behavior is quite predictable. We break down in very similar life situations. Analyze the unpleasant moments that you have already experienced and try to understand what exactly unbalances you. Perhaps this is a dismissive tone of the mother-in-law and everything that reminds him, or some kind of resentment that stretches for you from childhood. There must be something common and similar in all cases. Well, when you already know the “enemy” in person, it is much easier to deal with it.

10. Use filters

Make it a habit to sift through everything you're about to say. Come up with at least three criteria that any of your posts must meet. For example, secondly, you must be completely sure of their veracity and, thirdly, they are really necessary and will not turn out to be meaningless chatter. And only after the thought passes such a triple test, turn it into speech, otherwise it can be not only meaningless, but also harmful.

Leo Tolstoy said that "people learn how to speak, and the main science is how and when to be silent." And to comprehend this science you need to start as early as possible. No wonder the Chinese proverb says: "Don't speak unless it changes the silence for the better."

What to do if the inability to keep silent spoils the relationship in a couple? Our experts advise.

We live in a time when activity is valued above all else, and restraint and modesty are perceived almost as a vice. The same tendencies can be traced in communication: many are in such a hurry to throw out their rich inner world that they don’t really listen to the interlocutor, turning the general dialogue into a series of separate monologues. The ability to express your thoughts picturesquely and quickly is, of course, important, but the ability to listen is no less valuable. And in many cases, the skill of keeping your mouth closed and your ears open can serve you very well.

So, what are the benefits of a "person listening"?

You will be able to think before you speak

Sometimes a thoughtlessly spoken word can ruin a relationship, ruin a career, or become a source of other big trouble. Use the time of your silence to think carefully and weigh every word you are about to say. After all, speed in dialogue is of secondary importance compared to content.

You will be able to understand your interlocutor

The main reason that many big and small problems arise is the lack of mutual understanding. Very often, a person practically does not hear the words of his opponent, but perceives only what his emotions and already formed opinion suggest. Thus, we hear not what a person actually says, but what we expect to hear from him, with all the detrimental consequences that follow from this. Let's stop thinking and start just listening.

You will only be able to say what is really important

If you really decide to talk less and listen more, then this means that your words will only concern truly important things. Why shake the air in vain, waste your energy and say empty and meaningless phrases?

If you want your words to be listened to, then each of them must have a certain weight and value. If brevity is not one of your talents, then try to specifically pay your attention to speaking in more understandable and concise phrases. Recall that one of the thirteen valuable qualities, according to Benjamin Franklin, was precisely conciseness.

Silence: only say things that will benefit others or yourself; avoid frivolous conversations.

You can get more information

If the topic of the conversation really interests you and you want to get the most out of it, then do not rush to express your invaluable opinion and delve into the controversy. Listen first to the arguments of all participants. This will probably give you more than a public speaking victory.

You can make new friends

The ability to listen is no less, and sometimes even more valuable skill than the ability to speak. When a person needs to speak out, just to feel attention and support, then your ability to listen will be evaluated at the highest level. You can make many friends, simply thanks to your ability to be silent, while the eloquent smart guy, stinging everyone with a sharp word, will forever remain in splendid isolation.

Communication between people is a complex process in which everything must be balanced. No matter how witty and erudite you are, sometimes it's worth stepping on the throat of your own song and start listening. It is possible that you will get much more benefit from this than from the ability to speak a lot and well.

I'll start from afar. I recently returned from the Philippine Islands. Of course, there were some interesting observations. Not at all about the journey, no, about human relations.

We met a wonderful couple from the USA. Both work, or rather, serve in the army, which does not make them people who are far from secular entertainment. At the bar, we had fun and perfected political jokes about our countries. In general, we became friends for real, agreed on guest visits in the future. As a result, the guys offered to take a picture.

And this is where the fun begins. In the photo, the Americans automatically made “cheeeiz” - a smile of thirty-two teeth. And my husband and I automatically built the faces of the leaders of the mafia clan. The guys immediately asked if everything was in order and if we were happy at all with their company? ""

And everything, it turns out, is so simply explained. In Russia, it is not customary to smile without a special reason. Do you remember the proverb? "Laughter for no reason is a sign of foolishness." If someone unfamiliar in the subway looks at you and smiles, then the first reaction is “something is wrong with me, maybe there is a stain on the clothes somewhere, or the seam has come apart?”. We urgently begin to remember, but did I forget to take off the curlers in the morning? What? I didn't wear a skirt?!

In our country, everyone is trying to look serious, that is, important and status. Our success is not smiling. I'm not talking about direct eye contact, which is generally perceived as aggression. No, between our own we thaw and relax, we can be very good-natured and smiling, but not in the photo - no.

What am I for? Our men always try to be laconic, calm and serious for the same reasons. Go and guess if he is even happy to sit next to you if he is a rock. This is how we all see masculinity. Moreover, conversations between spouses are not accepted in families. Since Soviet times, "talking" was considered an exclusively female occupation. Men may love / want to talk, but look feminine - God forbid!

In general, the question overtook me, if we talk a little in a relationship - is this normal? I actually don't have much contact with my parents. Once a month on the phone and then purely businesslike. Suppose every family has different habits and traditions. But the relationship between spouses should be closer, more intimate, shouldn't it? But it turns out that there are few conversations, only briefly and about important things, and you really want to know what he is thinking about. In a word, I want to be my husband also a friend.

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I have always been sure that you need to build a family with a like-minded person who understands you perfectly. Here, you know, to talk all night long and not even get tired in the morning. It turned out that in marriage everything is completely different - more silent.

Here I immediately want to recall a suitable, but already quite an old anecdote. The girl torments her lover with the question: “What is between us?”. And he finally answers her with anger: “You are sitting in my apartment, in my shirt and eating my potatoes. Any questions?".

Men do not like to talk, instead of words, decent men have actions. Especially among Russian men. Difficulties of mentality. It is not for nothing that they say whatever they want, they will do. If a man is interested in you, believe me, you will notice it right away. He will find time, he will call and he will come up with a reason to see you. Any excuses are a common indicator of lack of interest.

Everything is simple. You need to judge intimacy with a man by his actions, and not by his words. What is the price of words if he can, in the style of the best poets, spread about eternal love, and at the same time you yourself carry heavy bags from the store home?

Russian men are harsh both in appearance and in conversation. They may even appear harsh.

But nothing says more about them than the careful attitude, tenderness, care expressed in deeds. Look at actions. How he carefully feeds your cat, despite allergies, because this is your favorite cat; or regularly watering a cactus while you are away. Or maybe he's viciously looking for meat-free soy sausages in all stores for your vegetarian dinner. How he stops any rudeness towards you among friends or meets after work in the dark. Look for love in small things, it is truer than any words.

Remember the wonderful fathers who are so clumsy, but so carefully braiding their daughters. I still remember how my father braided my dress with tinsel for the New Year's holiday. I did not sleep all night so that I could be the most beautiful. Although my dad was always called the most severe father among all the dads in the garden.

A companion does not have to be a best friend, but she must be a wife. The mistress of the female kingdom of love, tenderness and care. To be his own separate world, which a man wants to protect and protect, where he wants to return every day, where he will draw happiness and strength. Such, you know, a favorite beach with white sand and ocean views, where it's nice to warm your belly. Therefore, it is worth panicking and worrying if a man does not need a nest, if you are not in his T-shirt and do not eat the potatoes he got. In other words, if he does not perform any actions. And like-minded people - what? Friends can also be found at work.

Main photo - suckhoedanong.vn

What to do. But one of the hardest skills in sales is Not to do rather than talking about yourself and your product.

Every salesperson needs to talk less and listen more. Yet experience suggests that salespeople continue to be dominated by the ability to speak rather than listen. According to one study, when trying to sell, they talk 81% of the time.

According to researchers at Harvard University, they can't stop talking because of brain chemistry. In a series of experiments, they gave people two options: pay them to talk about other people, or pay nothing and talk about themselves.

Researchers have found that people give up 25% of potential earnings for the privilege of talking about their favorite subject: themselves.

Subsequent research has shown that self-promotion stimulates the same part of the brain that is involved in rewards for food, sex, and money, and is associated with addiction like alcohol or drugs. Self-talk resembles these behaviors in two key respects: it tends to happen automatically without us even being aware that we are doing it, and the more we engage in it, the better we feel about it.

“The best sellers stick to the 70/30 ratio. 30% of the conversation time is left for the presentation and questions, and 70% of the time is carefully listening to the client.” Brian Tracy

In short, the Sales have become addicted to their own description and presentation. But it's not their fault. It's the chemical that drives them.

https://youtu.be/Zsm-5G9G900

So how do you break your addiction?

Here are three methods you can use. All of them are based on the idea of ​​breaking down automatic, self-reinforcing behaviors and refocusing your sales:

• The 30-60 second rule. Let the salespeople speak fluently for 30 seconds. Then the remaining 30 seconds, they must sum up the dialogue and stop.
• Use answers to questions with one sentence. Often a client's question becomes the launching pad for an extended monologue - even when the client just wanted a simple answer. Train yourself to answer the question in one sentence and then ask, "Did I answer your question?" If customers want to hear more, they will ask for more details.
• Talk, stop and ask. This method is similar to "no". Sales says something, and instead of moving on to the next one, he stops and asks a question—for example, "How does this fit in with your project?" Or even “Does this make sense?”

These methods are simple, but that doesn't mean they are easy. After all, you are struggling with addictive behavior. Give salespeople ample opportunity to practice. Role playing is perfect.