The creative and life path of the great French writer and philosopher Voltaire is an amazing example of active longevity. He lived for 84 years and managed to maintain a creative impulse of thought, colossal efficiency and optimism until the last years.
At the end of his seventh decade, he wrote the famous philosophical life-affirming story "Candide, or Optimism". The hero confidently leaves the beautiful utopian world of El Dorado, choosing a different fate. To serene happiness and peace, he prefers a life path full of dangers, passions and hardships. The hero, whose thoughts are dear and close to Voltaire, calls for cultivating "our garden." The garden in this case symbolizes human life, which must be protected from evil, troubles and negative passions. And the most important thing in life, according to Voltaire, is the ability to enjoy happiness, light, every day lived, to worship goodness both in the world around us and within oneself.
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Voltaire was convinced that the possibilities of the human mind are endless. And it is on the "set of the mind" that a person's health, not only spiritual, but also physical, depends. His own body was for Voltaire a source of inexhaustible interest. He studied its laws, recorded observations and drew conclusions. At the age of forty, he admitted that he had finally learned to understand his own body and now he could overcome his ailments and ailments. And there were many.

In his younger years, Voltaire was constantly haunted by excruciating nervous disorders. The tendency to depression too often knocked him out of the rhythm of life. From his youth, Voltaire was tormented by severe and frequent indigestion.
"only work saves us from the three great evils: boredom, vice and want."

Secondly, the human body requires regular exercise and training. They should be dosed, made taking into account health and age. For each period of life - its load. "He who does not behave according to his age always pays for it." Interestingly, Voltaire believed that only the person himself can choose the measure of stress for himself.
Thirdly, every person who thinks about his health should follow an individual diet. "What is useful to one is detrimental to others", "You cannot eat what you do not know, what you are not sure of."
Voltaire's reasonable views on health were far ahead of their time. Voltaire saw the cause of most diseases in immoderate gluttony and overeating. "Skillful cooks are killers, they poison entire families with their stews and hors d'oeuvres." Voltaire considered interesting conversations and philosophical disputes to be the main dish of friendly feasts. "The greatest pleasure an honest man can feel is to please his friends." Moreover, pleasure meant not only actions, but also presented smart thoughts.
At the first sign of illness, Voltaire immediately went to bed, discarding all work, and starved. He refused food until full recovery, allowing only plentiful drink. When Voltaire contracted a severe smallpox that claimed the life of a third of the population of Paris, he firmly decided to overcome the terrible disease. After being cured, he said that he owed his cure to eight vomits, complete hunger, and two hundred pints of lemonade. Lemonade was called water with the addition of a small amount of lemon juice.

Voltaire was very skeptical about medicine, but he preferred not to be at enmity with doctors, believing that the advice of sober-minded doctors should not be neglected. A great mocker, Voltaire vehemently ridiculed medical prejudices. He ridiculed the belief that one must learn from animals, since animals are allegedly healthier than people. “The longevity of deer and crows has become proverbial, but let me show at least one deer or crow that has lived as long as the Marquis de Saint-Oler,” wrote Voltaire. The aforementioned marquis lived for almost a hundred years.

Perhaps he loved life too much to die or allow himself to be calmly inactive. Or maybe he really managed to embody the secret of life, which in his younger years, at the dawn of his writing biography, he defined as "the main thing is to get along with yourself."

It is very difficult for all of us to exist alone, it is for these reasons that philosophers say that loneliness is worse than poverty. In our life, those around us, colleagues and friends play a huge role, they are able to make life brighter, full of emotions and events. That is why it is important to learn how to get along with the people who are close to us.

How to get along with people: rules of communication

"People" and "environment" are abstract concepts, so let's break them down into a few categories and look at how to get along with some of them.

Let's first look at how to get along with friends. Try to be who you are, because your friends love you for who you are, and acting up will lead to the fact that all your minuses will come out. That is why we insist that communication should be sincere and simple.

In addition, you yourself must treat your friends with respect, and accept them for who they are. You don't have to fix them or customize them. Everyone is different, you just need to learn how to get along with people.

But sometimes some quality of our friends annoys us, in such cases we advise you to talk to your friend about this topic, and be sure to clarify what annoys him about you. During the conversation, try not to blame each other, otherwise your conversation may end badly, just remember the purpose of your conversation is to eradicate problems.

Before thinking about how to get along with people, just think about how you behave in a team, how often you are offended by your friends. It is resentment over trifles that leads to quarrels. Do not interfere in the privacy of your girlfriend or friend.

If he decided to spend time with his soulmate, do not be offended by him and say that he exchanged communication with you for this “goat”, remember that everyone should have their own personal life, so try to respect the interests and opinions of friends.

What should never be done?

Never talk badly about friends, especially behind their backs, don't let others judge them, and don't do it yourself. Not today, so tomorrow, your friend will find out about your opinions on this or that occasion in a distorted form, and he will forever change his opinion about you. No one wants to tell secrets to a hypocrite and a liar.

Never laugh at a friend. You can joke and tease a friend, but never make fun of him in front of others, because by doing so you put him in a stupid position.

How to get along with your boss

Work is not only the fulfillment of any duties, but also the relationship with people. If you want to raise your level in your career, then you will have to build relationships with your superiors. Here are a couple of tips that will help you answer the question "How to get along with the authorities?"

Look after the image, you must be appropriately dressed where you work. Naturally, you must be neat, the aroma of your perfume should not be harsh. You should look so that it is pleasant to look at you. Apart from all this, you need to be a positive person in order to easily get along with people.

None of your colleagues should guess that you are in a bad mood, or something happened. Always smile, give people positive. Present yourself to the boss only from the positive side. Tell him only good news. This will be very beneficial for you.

Try to be loyal. If your boss is nervous or worried, do not be the cause of these feelings. Therefore, if you are entrusted with any work, do it with great pleasure.

To get along with your boss, study your boss. Understand his desires, logic. After all, if more often you coincide with the desires of the boss, the more he will appreciate you and respect you as a good employee. Consider his features and try to understand what he expects from you. Just never lose your "I".

If you do not agree with the boss, or something does not suit you, then do not argue with him, but offer your own options. Suddenly he will like it, and this is only a plus for you. Do it as tactfully as possible. Be a good professional in your field. A job well done will make your boss happy. Take responsibility, difficult tasks.

Professionals never say "I'm perfect." She is always working on herself to be better and better. Become one of the best in your company. Improve your work, come up with new options, but before showing it to your superiors, check your work carefully, and it is advisable to check it for yourself.

To get along with your boss, you must perform well. If you stick to the rules, then you can safely count on the gratitude of the head. We hope that in the future you will need these tips, and you will be a good specialist in your field. And to the question of how to get along with the authorities, you no longer have to look for an answer.

How to get along with different people in the same family

In physics there is such a law that different polarities attract. But in life it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes when asking young people why they broke up, you hear a rather banal answer - they didn’t get along. That is, it turns out that different people cannot get together and live a full life? It is not always so.

You can get along - although it is difficult

After all, much depends not only on one character of a person. The feelings they feel are one of the main components in a relationship. And if they are sincere, then different characters will complement each other. Therefore, how to get along with different people in the same family is a question only for those who do not want or cannot do this. But still, we will reveal its whole essence.

The most important thing is that you should think and understand one truth that there are no similar people in everything. And you are just as different in character, in opinions and interests. Don't make a tragedy out of this. It is already enough that you are together and you feel good together;

Find a common language in everything. To get along with different people in the same family, you should not immediately quarrel over trifles. You do not like that your significant other sits at the computer for a long time, and you need to complete some task or send an important document by mail - just talk about it. Find a way out of this or another situation. Agree who, when and how will use it;

Communication. This is the main thing in the relationship of all people, especially when there is a goal to get along with different people in the same family. The more you communicate, the more you will find common ground. Communicate on completely different topics, because in communication there is a way out of all situations, and you will be diversified;

You can even start making friends. Remember how in childhood you were friends with your peers, what you found in each other's interests and this brought you closer. So it is in this case. Knowing the interests of your partner, you can do what you love together;

You can also do a joint business in order to get along with different people in the same family - cleaning the room, moving furniture, repairing, etc. Believe me - this will help you get closer and feel idyllic in your relationship even more;

Think about the very purpose of your existence. After all, each of us was born in order to do a good deed not only for our loved ones, but also for people completely unfamiliar to you. And you don’t always do it for money, in order to be good for you and those around you.

So - think about it yourself, and you will understand that it is not so difficult to get along with different people in the same family, and even people who are completely different in character can live happily ever after; the laws of life that different people do not get along will seem like a trifle to you.

Can you remember the last time you interacted with a bad or difficult person? Or the time someone tried to prick you with words? What did you do in this situation? What was the result? How do you plan to deal with such situations in the future in order to keep the peace and be tactful?

No doubt, wherever we go, we will always encounter bad people who are contrary to our ideals, people who annoy us or who are annoyed by us. There are 6.4 billion people in the world, and conflicts are part of our lives. This does not mean that this is an obligatory part of it, but conflicts are expressed by emotions, and emotions originate in the instinct of self-preservation. Therefore, a person reacts to the situation in a certain way and, reflecting it, tries to protect himself.

In such situations, we can lose our heads and turn from a human being into an animal that defends itself during an attack. It `s naturally. However, we are the only living beings on the planet who are fully given reason, and we can control our behavior. So how is it done?

I am constantly asked: “How can you tolerate negative reviews for your articles? They are awful! I don't think I could bear it!" My answer is simple: "You need to drop all negative emotions from the very beginning." This is not always easy and it may take some effort at first to overcome this natural desire to immediately defend yourself and snap back.

I know it's not easy, but if it were easy, then there wouldn't be complicated and bad people in the world.

Why control perception?

1. We hurt ourselves.

Here is one of my favorite sayings: “If you hold a grudge against someone, you are like an eccentric who drinks poison and thinks that his enemy will die from it”. The only person we hurt in this situation is ourselves. When we have negative emotions, we ourselves disturb the peace of our inner world and injure ourselves with our thoughts.

2. It's not about you, it's about them

I noticed that when people act inappropriately, this is the state of their inner world that has come out and you just fell under a hot hand. And if it was not addressed to you personally, why take it as a personal insult? Our ego just loves problems and conflicts. Very often people are unhappy, and it is difficult for them to deal with their own problems, and they want others to become the same.

For example, the more we say how we don't love someone, the more we hate that person and the more outrageous acts we see. Stop giving energy to it, stop thinking and talking about it. Try your best not to tell this story to other people.

6. Imagine yourself in the place of another person

Very often we forget that our vision of the situation is one-sided. Try to put yourself in the place of the person on the other side and think about how you could offend him. Such an understanding will give you the opportunity to become reasonable and, perhaps, you will pity your offender.

7. Learn from the lessons

No situation is useless if you can learn from it and become a better person through it. No matter how bad things turn out, there is always a gift in them - a lesson from this situation. Take advantage of these lessons.

8. Avoid bad people

Bad people drain energy. These very unhappy people may want to make you feel bad because they don't want to be the only one who is unhappy. Know it! If you have a lot of time and don't believe that someone can feed on your energy, keep hanging out with bad people. In all other cases, I recommend that you limit such communication. Move the bad people aside, avoid as much as possible communicating with them. Remember that you can always choose people whose qualities you admire - optimistic, positive, peace-loving, benevolent people - and surround yourself with them. As Katie Sierra said: If you want the world to change, change it».

9. Become an observer

When we become observers of our own feelings, thoughts, and situations, we separate ourselves from our emotions. We stop immersing ourselves in emotions and letting them eat away at us, and instead, we watch them from a distance. When you realize that emotions and thoughts are starting to take over, try to breathe evenly and deeply.

10. Run

… or go swimming or do some other physical activity. Physical activity can help blow off steam. Use the exercises as a tool to clear your mind and release negative energy.

11. Worst case scenario

Ask yourself two questions:

1. What would be the worst case scenario if I don't respond?

2. What would be the best course of events if I reacted?

Very often the answers to these questions will clarify the situation and you may realize that what you answer will not be of any use. You will only waste your energy and disturb your inner world.

12. Avoid heated discussions

When we are on edge, we want to be sure to prove that we are right, to protect ourselves for our own sake. Reason and common sense rarely lead us to such discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until the passions subside, and then start it.

13. Most important

Write a list of the most important things in your life. Then ask yourself the question: “Does my relationship with this person affect the most important things in my life?”

14. Compliment

It doesn't always work, but sometimes when people try to badmouth you, they get caught off guard. Praise the person for something he did well, say that you learned something new while talking with him, and perhaps this will become an offer to make friends. Do not forget that you need to be sincere. It is quite possible that you will have to dig deep to unearth something in this person that you can really appreciate.

15. Throw it all out

Take a piece of paper and dump all random and negative thoughts on it, write whatever you think and do not edit. Write until you write everything you want and you have nothing else to write. And then roll the paper into a ball, close your eyes and imagine that all the negative energy is in this paper ball. Throw this ball in the trash. And forget about it!

** How do you get along with people with complex personalities? What has worked well in your practice? How do you cool off when you're full of anger? Share your thoughts in the comments. We'll meet there!

or Stupid question of a psychologist who works wonders

Stupid question of a psychologist who works miracles (self-development, introspection techniques)

Somehow, on the “psychological environments”, we, the participants, were offered one simple question for creative reflection. At first we even laughed when we heard him, so he sounded “cool”. And then all of a sudden everyone was suddenly not laughing. The reality around her began to change at a monstrous speed, her eyes began to rotate like carousels, and her head began to spin as if Alice had taken a sip from Carroll's "strange" bottle.

We saw ourselves from the side, in a three-dimensional version, from a height and at a distance, “in all its glory” - which is impossible in nature without a video camera ...

I offer this question to you - not just like that, but - to work. Because this is not a question, but an invitation to a psychological exercise. The exercise began as soon as you heard the question, without your asking. It's not too late to close the article.

“Please tell me, if you were a different person, would you like ... to be friends - with yourself?”

Imagine that you are some other person. You don't know yourself yet. And suddenly you meet yourself somewhere. So: you, that hypothetical (other, stranger) would like to approach yourself (the real one), talk, introduce yourself, get closer, make friends, rely on in difficult times, invite you to your house, go somewhere together, offer an interesting work, give a gift, start a venture? ..

No. Not particularly. (Is it true?..)

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Exercise "Would you be friends with yourself?"

What is it all about?

And how to work with this psychological exercise?

Although this psychological exercise grows out of the rhizome of the Two Chair Technique (gestalt), I think of it as a metaphor for hidden videotape (NLP).

There is such a joke: “I listen to my voice in the recording ... and I am surprised - How ?? Do I still have friends?!..”

Hey, get yourself together! (number 1)

Psychological exercise "Would you be friends with yourself?" helps to get together. This is the first and most primitive thing that it does to us, smeared on the mill wheel of life, crucified in vanity, wheeled by the lies of society.

The first stage of general cleaning in the House.

The thing is that usually we are not collected. We are spread out according to the schedule of our working week, working day, and even just life until retirement. It is important for us to have time to hand over the work on time, pay for the loan and do a lot of other “important” things. So there is no time left to be more or less a pleasant person. And then the skill goes away. And then the need.

We have no time to read a post on the Internet thoughtfully, to chew and swallow our lunch in a quality manner, to smile at a tree, to give way to a pedestrian at a traffic light, to patiently talk with a neighbor grandmother, toss a sausage to a yard cat, to find an unnecessary bowl in the house and pour water for this cat.

And only the question "Would you like to be friends with yourself?" shows us this with all irony and frankness.

The most useful negative reaction: “Well, don’t be friends with me, since I’m so bad, I can do without you!” (2)

After the first wave of thoughts about myself, for a long time:

• hurrying to God knows where (to the grave?),
• lost its external and internal attractiveness,
• completely impolite person
• with a twisted face

there comes a legitimate rejection of the proposed practice of introspection and self-flagellation. And people usually yell: “But I don’t want anyone here to like me, I have my own affairs up to my throat!”

Some settle down on this, and they can no longer be remade without the intervention of Divine Providence, which is not my part ... (Some go on a journey through the exercise further, and I will help with this).

Yes, unfortunately, there are people who lose all their friends with age, but do not acquire new ones. They have no time. They are minding their own business. Invest in themselves. It starts at the age of 25 or even earlier ...

• people suddenly palpably prefer just friends - carefully chosen "right friends" to achieve popularity in a certain circle of society,
• prefer friends to status, career, business,
• prefer friends to an active search for a groom,
• prefer friends to repairs in the apartment,
• they prefer friends to their own children, who are “overfed” in the competitive fever “who has more successful children” and spoil these children - irrevocably ...

But every time such a person subsequently complains to you about:

loneliness,
• evil people around, putting only trips,
• husband
• and ungrateful children for whom they "SACRIFICED EVERYTHING"...

Such a person should be reminded that he himself has abandoned the benefits that he now yearns for.

Inventory of "his good". Writing a "positive resume" (3) Search for a like-minded person.

Let's wipe the snot and smile. After an icy downpour of self-flagellation, it is the turn of a warm shower and tea with healing herbs. Don't forget to put TWO cups on the table. After all, now we will find out - what that Other looks like who would not refuse to come to us and make friends with us. For him, and a cup on the table ...

Each of us is not so bad. The image of a man smeared on a squirrel wheel is caricatured, exaggerated for educational purposes. And each of us has something to be friends with.

But those treasures that we can offer people are needed, not useful to everyone and not appreciated by everyone ...

From this naturally follows the next stage of practice - the answer to the question:

“And what should be that “other” person who would definitely want to be friends with us?”

Those people who do not want to spend time and energy on trying to "please everyone" are right. This is not necessary! Only those people who are able to appreciate the true treasures that we have in us and which we can and want to share willingly need to be liked.

Grab a pen and a piece of paper

And now we are writing two essays.

The first essay is our portrait, with our strengths and our weaknesses (in the light of the possibility of friendship and joint constructive activity)

The second essay is a hypothetical portrait of that Other person (or a group of several different people) who would not be repelled by our "features" and who would admire our pleasant qualities.

Again - in the light of possible joint constructive activities, in other words - "friendship".

It's time to act!

Now we figured out what we would like to do.

We outlined the range of affairs, made a brief description of topics that can please us and unite us with nice people.

We even drew portraits of these imaginary people.

Well, now - detail and concretize these portraits.

And hang them on your Wish Board.

Soon life will bring you into contact with these new friends. On the basis of joint constructive activity.

West and us

In the West, recently, but seriously, they are doing what this exercise, which is the subject of my article, is doing.

The so-called (attention!)

social innovation incubators

Social Innovation Incubator or social innovation incubator builds horizontal social connections.

Everyone knows that in society there are two types of connections, nerves: vertical and horizontal.

Vertical (powerful) connections, this is when a district police officer came to you and fined you for having garbage lying around in your yard (for example, do not judge the example strictly).

Horizontal connections are when you get together with your neighbors and clean up the garbage in the yard, because it prevents you from feeling happy. And then they gathered again and put up a gate so that hooligans and vandals would not enter the courtyard at night ...

Elena Nazarenko

QUESTION: Everyone desperately strives for happiness, but for many of us it is unattainable. Why are so many people dissatisfied with life? Maybe the reason for this is our era or our high expectations?

ANSWER A: It's not as bad as it seems. There are many people who consider their lives wonderful; they live a full-blooded life and love every minute of it. But they don't say much about it; as a rule, they do not write articles and do not consult psychoanalysts. And yet your QUESTION legitimate: yes, people who enjoy their lives are in the minority. Why? Because many have not yet mastered the art of a happy life.

QUESTION: Art? So you think that happiness is something that can be learned? I tend to think that one day you can not decide - I will be happy! Happiness is either there or it isn't. You can do a lot, but I do not understand how you can make happiness?

ANSWER: Your point of view is part of the problem that many face in their pursuit of happiness. These people believe that there is something that can bring them happiness, one has only to take possession of it, and do not understand that they themselves must make their own happiness. Some of the strength is knocked out by studying French, physics or scuba diving. They have the patience to learn how to drive a car, but they do not want to spend time learning the science of driving themselves.

QUESTION: It turns out that we should, as it were, stand at the remote control and manage our own lives. Shouldn't the art of living be more natural?

ANSWER: Alas, for the majority it is not natural! After all, we are not born with the knowledge of the secret of a happy life, and many of us will never know it. To know this secret, you need to learn a lot.

QUESTION: Where should you start?

ANSWER: The first thing to do is to realize that we, in all likelihood, are looking in the wrong place. The source of happiness is not outside, but within us. Most of us do not use our full potential and live as if on a reduced power. And so it will continue as long as we are looking for someone who would provide us with the magic key to happiness. We must understand: we already have this magic key. It’s as if we are waiting for someone’s permission to start living fully, although for everything that happens to us in life we ​​are accountable only to ourselves and ourselves. ANSWER responsible for the quality of our lives.

QUESTION: If everything depends on us, if we can turn the magic switch and "turn on" happiness - why shouldn't everyone just do it?

ANSWER: There is no magic switch! But there is a certain life position. Take over ANSWER taking ownership of your life means radically changing your approach to everything around you. Many do their best to avoid this change and ANSWER validity. They are much more willing to put the blame for their problems on someone or something external than to take action to improve the situation. We even talk about our feelings as if they were space aliens. We say, "This feeling has taken possession of me," as if we are only helpless toys in the hands of mysterious forces. Listen to us, so it turns out that our feelings change like the weather, over which we have no control. Such a "meteorological" approach to emotions removes from us ANSWER responsibility for our mental well-being and reduces the possibility of independent choice.

QUESTION: And I think that our feelings are really mysterious, and in most cases their causes remain unknown to us. If I am angry or upset, I can order myself not to break the dishes or, for example, not burst into tears, but I cannot take and order myself to change my mood. I'm not even sure if I want to do it. After all, if something offended me, I have the right to feel offended.

ANSWER: Undoubtedly! You are entitled to emotions. To feel everything that you can feel is truly human. But all too often people cling to unpleasant feelings, even "groom" them. And, without fully realizing the consequences of these actions, they actually cause these emotions in themselves. They do things that make them feel bad and then say, "I couldn't help it." In reality, this phrase hides another, more true: "I did not try to do anything about it."

QUESTION: Really? This is an interesting and pleasant idea. I would like to dwell on this in more detail. And what can we do for this?

FIRST YOU MUST DECIDE FOR YOURSELF VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: DO YOU WANT TO "UP" OR "LOW" YOURSELF?

ANSWER: This QUESTION It may seem strange, but many people are really the most terrible enemies for themselves. If you choose to help yourself, you can choose to do things that make you feel good instead of things that hurt your self-esteem. Why would you try to hurt yourself if you can just as well please yourself? This QUESTION very important for everyone. Nobody needs instruction on how to "lower" oneself; when people look for flaws, they have no trouble finding them or inventing ones that don't exist. For many people, the search for factors that increase self-esteem is a real super task. They have blinders in front of their eyes, preventing them from seeing the positive aspects of their character.

QUESTION: But there are plenty of people who see only their most positive aspects. They are completely satisfied with themselves, and if something is wrong, it is with someone else and never with them, I'm not sure that they are the nicest people!

ANSWER: Of course there are! But they don't really believe it. Those who make great efforts to convince themselves and others of their greatness also turn a blind eye to something. They do not see their shortcomings, because they are afraid that, apart from shortcomings, they have nothing. They believe that the choice exists only between absolute perfection and equally absolute insignificance. The trouble is that it is very difficult to give up such a view of yourself, since it is based on an unwillingness to look inside yourself. And in order to understand the reasons for your discomfort and change, you need to do just that. You must be able to recognize the specific ways in which you "lower" yourself and decide that you no longer want to do it. Only then can you begin to do what will give you the right to be proud of yourself and enjoy life.

QUESTION: What, for example?

ANSWER A: For example, realize your achievements. When you do something that makes you proud, focus on it at least a little, praise yourself, enjoy your actions. Usually, when things are not going well, they themselves attract attention. When things are going well, we should actively focus on success. Whether we achieve this recognition depends on us. If we are waiting for recognition to come from others, we are outraged when it does not come, and if it comes late, we may even reject it. We all love praise, but have you noticed how quickly the joy of a compliment fades? If we make compliments to ourselves, this joy is always with us. Of course, it would be nice to hear them from others. But their assessments in this case are not given as much importance as if we heard compliments from ourselves. Here are the roots of the tragedy of some great artists who need endless applause to realize their significance.

QUESTION: I would compare them with those people who prove something an infinite number of times, because they do not believe in what is being proved.

ANSWER: Yes, they are like Don Juan, and such extreme examples allow us to clearly see the absurdity of the pursuit of other people's assessments. We all lack sobriety of self-esteem. If a person keeps a diet for a week and does not endure the eighth day, then overeating is nothing compared to the orgy of self-blame that he indulges in. But it is better for him to remember the week when he was on a diet. He should respect himself for this and return to the diet if he really wants to. The point is that, quite possibly, it was not the food that seduced him on the eighth day, but the desire to destroy that magnificent image of himself that he had been building all week. After all, this is exactly what many of us find it so difficult to accept: real satisfaction with ourselves. When we "hate ourselves the next morning" we must ask ourselves QUESTION oh, why do we get more pleasure - from what we did last night, or from today's streams of self-blame?

HOW TO BE IF YOU THINK REALLY BAD ABOUT YOURSELF?

QUESTION: How can you convince a person to do something that enhances him in his own eyes, if he really thinks that he is a terrible person?

ANSWER: I think if someone said: "Listen, I'm a terrible person, and I like it, leave me alone," then I could hardly help him with anything. Most people suffer from self-abasement; there is a fierce struggle going on inside them. Part of the personality "lowers" itself, but another part of it protests against it. QUESTION whether you have even a little compassion for yourself. So, when you do something, is that what you really want? If not, stop doing it and start doing something that boosts your self-esteem.

QUESTION: Since you seem to know so many secrets to good mental health, what else can you do?

ANSWER: There are no special secrets here. People know a lot more than they are willing to admit. Some of them are very simple. It is extremely important, for example, to foresee the consequences of your actions. If you have, say, housework or something like that and you feel like evading it, ask yourself how you would feel if you put it off. If you understand that you will feel some disrespect for yourself - still do this work and let yourself enjoy the feeling of accomplishment!

May the experience of successful self-management bring you joy. Housework may be just a small part of life, but how you feel about yourself throughout the day is life itself. Moreover, the ability to foresee the consequences of your actions can bring you surprises. You may find that some other type of activity will further increase your self-esteem. For example, instead of doing household chores, you decide to write a poem.

QUESTION: After listening to you, I imagined a woman meeting her husband, who returned home in the evening. He looks disappointedly at crying babies, unmade beds and asks: "Where is lunch?", but she solemnly hands him a sheet of paper and says: "Instead of lunch, I composed a poem!"

ANSWER: I guess few women are able to elevate themselves in their own eyes, writing at least once a poem instead of cooking dinner! People who take pleasure in inconveniencing others are rare. But if the desire to write poetry in this woman would not have faded further, then perhaps she would have had to make a choice. Could she combine poetry with family concerns? If not, then you need to decide - how important is poetry to her? If she were really extremely necessary, the woman would have to find an assistant in family affairs.

Perhaps her husband would have a desire to devote more time to the family. By the way, some people of art believe that marriage and family are not for them, and choose their calling.
By the way, many supporters of women's emancipation today are seeking to expand the network of children's institutions so that mothers do not have to spend the whole day at home with their children.

I'm not against kindergartens or more professional opportunities for women. But QUESTION whether or not to have children is - or should be - a matter of free choice. Once the child is born, a certain ANSWER property. If she wants to share the burden between family and career, that's her right. This is a difficult decision, and whether a woman will survive is up to her. But you don't have to feel like someone's victim.

QUESTION: But if you can't do everything you want, and you have to make a choice, then in this case, doing things that increase our self-esteem develops into simple self-indulgence.

ANSWER: What you're talking about is just the opposite of self-indulgence. It is the satisfaction of your whole "I", including your feelings and duties towards others. A person should be self-centered to the extent that it helps him respect himself and control his behavior. If you don't learn this, you will never truly respect other people!

The Bible teaches, "Love your neighbor as yourself," not "more than" or "instead of" yourself. If we don't love ourselves, where can we get the strength to love anyone else? People who have not loved themselves can adore others, because adoration is the exaltation of the other and the humiliation of oneself. They may desire others because desire is rooted in a sense of inner incompleteness that needs to be "filled". But they cannot love others, since love is the affirmation of the living and ever-changing essence of each of us. If you don't have it, you can't give it to others.

TO LOVE OTHERS, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

ANSWER: That's right, you can very clearly distinguish between love and its likeness in the relationship between parents and children. Parents always claim that they act out of love for their children, but often this is not the case, and this is easy to see. When a parent "sacrifices himself" for a child, the child's reaction helps you understand that something is wrong. The child does not feel gratitude, but guilt, since the parental "sacrifice" is made not out of love, but out of self-denial. Nobody really needs the fruits of someone's self-denial. Self-denial is one of the worst forms of self-indulgence. This is caring for that part of your "I", which is aware of its insignificance. And such care will not benefit anyone. This does not mean that from time to time you cannot give up something that belongs to you. But this is your own choice, and it is made out of respect, not self-hatred.

QUESTION: In other words, it's not about what you do, but why you do it?

ANSWER: People make choices gradually, but don't want to admit it. You are free when you take over ANSWER responsibility for your choice, as well as when you choose exactly what is in your interests. It's not as difficult as it seems...

QUESTION: And yet it is difficult. I can remember hundreds of times when I wanted to show myself wise, prudent, ANSWER honest and kind, and when in the end I behaved like a little child.

ANSWER: But it happens to everyone! Why don't you remember the times when you really showed wisdom and kindness? Why remember and relive defeats, not victories? Many people are subject to something like negative self-hypnosis. They put labels on themselves, they reason like this: "I'm a terrible person who does terrible things and in no way can I improve." Instead of convincing ourselves of the impossibility of doing this or that act, we should spend energy on finding real ways to perform this very act.

WE HAVE TO INSPIRE OURSELVES WITH OPTIMISM

ANSWER: If you don't believe you can do something, then you really can't do it. When you insist that you are not the right person to climb a mountain or give a speech, everything you say really means only one thing: you still haven't done it. Sometimes this is not true, because if people really want to consider themselves incapable of something, they successfully forget those times when they already had to do it. But even if they haven't forgotten, all they talk about comes down to their behavior in the past.
If we just continued to do only what we have done in the past, people would never change, and in fact they are constantly changing. That's what growth is all about: doing things you've never done before, sometimes even things you never dreamed of before.

QUESTION: But I, for one, have never climbed a mountain, and I'm sure I won't do it in the future either!

ANSWER A: I don't think you want to. Of course, difficult actions cause a lot of trouble, and you need to really really want to do them. But if you do not consciously limit your efforts, they can bring the most unexpected results.
I remember a young woman who was referred to me by another psychoanalyst. She did not give me any information about her illness at that time. I worked with her for about a year, and one day her first doctor called me: "The other day I accidentally met N. on the street," he told me, "she was just beaming. She was very lively and happy - what did you do with her?" I asked what was so unusual about it, and he ANSWER il: "Didn't you know she had schizophrenia?" I did not know this and therefore did not treat her with prejudice - as a result, she recovered. It's the same with homosexuals.

Once upon a time, the prevailing opinion among psychoanalysts was that it was almost impossible to change the sexual preference of homosexuals - and this was the reason for their little success in this direction. But some doctors did not agree with this, continued to work and found that a homosexual who really wants to change his orientation is quite capable of doing so. Today, more and more such facts are becoming known to us. The nature of homosexuality has not changed, our view of it has.

We call this phenomenon "self-fulfilling forecast". Schoolchildren who are considered underachievers do often become so, because this is expected of them by teachers. Children feel this, in addition, they always know the level of the class in which they study, so they do not expect much from themselves. Often the underachievers are simply children with slow development or other problems that interfere with their studies, but they are quite capable of dramatically improving academic performance if they are properly stimulated.
We are all capable of much more than we think, but we must first believe in it. We need to try positive self-hypnosis for a change.

QUESTION: And in my opinion, the denial of difficulties is not the way to overcome them. It does not solve problems, but only helps people turn a blind eye to them. People can smile as much as they want, but that won't make it any easier for them.

ANSWER: Unfortunately, this is so! Positive thinking is true in many ways, but it goes too far. Or maybe it doesn't go far enough. Relying on your willpower and determination, you use only one of the tools necessary for change. Determination is really needed, but violence against oneself does not give positive results. Trying to achieve the goal only by willpower, you show disrespect for yourself. You proceed from the fact that innovations must be introduced from above in an orderly manner, that your "I" does not come from a desire for change. But it is your "I" that requires these changes.

Real growth can only come from within ourselves. You need to learn how to work on yourself, to make willpower your ally.
You must call upon your will to help you do what you really want to do.

Many of us set ourselves arbitrary or unattainable goals. Know that the person who thinks he can do anything he thinks of is not really in touch with himself. This is a presumptuous belief, because the person who thinks so knows no limits. The search for yourself is endless, but it is limited by your actual capabilities, interests and aspirations. On my part, it would be completely wrong "to make a decision to become an artist without having the talent of a painter." But the truth is that if there is no talent, there is no desire.

Your true self does not want to do things that are completely alien to it; it wants to fulfill its own potential. Of course, people can run around with all sorts of crazy ideas about who they want to be, but those are just ideas, not real desires. Using the will to achieve goals alien to us, which are set only out of a desire to please other people or our own fantasies about ourselves, we create a kind of monster, a mechanical man that suppresses our living self.

More than once I have observed people who hold on to willpower alone; their efforts are incredible, and the results are hardly worth the effort. These are not the kind of people with whom it is pleasant to live!
By the way, former alcoholics often produce the same impression. You feel that they are terribly tense; it takes a lot of energy from them. However, it cannot be said that their goal was not worth the effort expended.

Their tragedy is that many spend energy fighting what they don't want to be, instead of using it to build themselves into what they want to be. Having taken an important step forward, they must continue to move.
I AM
I am saying that if we want to realize the possibilities that are really inherent in us, we must use everything that we have for this - feelings, intuition, mind and will - all of ourselves without a trace. And then the effect will be amazing.

QUESTION: Then why don't we want it? Why are so few of us living this program?

ANSWER: Because certain benefits also promise us continued suffering. It is already familiar to us and quite suits us, it gives us a sense of security, which we protect, following the once accepted system of behavior, when one unworthy act entails another. It makes our world understandable, predictable and to some extent manageable. The feeling of clarity of the surrounding world is one of the most necessary things for people; it creates the need for religion. That's why people are so alarmed today: it's not just about the violence around us, but also about the sense of meaninglessness of what is happening. There seems to be a general breakdown: the old explanations no longer fit.

QUESTION: Yes, people no longer know what to expect. Everything around seems more and more unsteady.

ANSWER: Chaos in society is terrible. But its consequences are much more terrible if it encroached on the inner world of a person. From an early age, we look for ways to bring order to this chaos. We all start out as scientists of sorts. Gradually, our view of the world is being formed, which puts "on the shelves" the impulses that fall on us in a frantic stream, both positive, safe, and dangerous, negative. We begin to understand, then certain actions will bring the desired results, while others will be followed by trouble.

QUESTION: How does this happen?

ANSWER: Each of us develops something like a working hypothesis, which boils down to the following: "That's life!" We make these choices at a very young age, and the theories are often very clever and really help us survive. The trouble is that growing up and gaining experience, we rarely revise our previous views and only insert new experience into the cells of the old system.

QUESTION: I am sure that most people will not find anything like this! Possibly at
they are left with impressions, prejudices and associations with the events of their childhood, but hardly anything resembling a theory.

ANSWER: Most people are unaware of the existence of these theories, as they have never tried to put them into words. They consist of vague sensations, unspoken anxieties, and things that we, as children, do not dare to talk about. They have to do with the most powerful and difficult forces in human life, such as sex and aggression, which are taboo in many families. Then we have complex ideas about reality that we do not disclose to anyone and never verify.

QUESTION: Are you saying that the most important of our ideas about life are unconscious and formed in childhood?

ANSWER: Yes exactly! But their influence can be very tangible. We often think that we are reacting to real situations, as we are simply assigning roles in that inner romance that each of us hears all our lives. For example, if someone felt neglected by an adult they cherished as a child, and this experience became key in shaping their view of the world, then they have several ways to repeat this experience. He may unconsciously look for such people in his adult life who will eventually leave him. We are all great at doing this! Or even he will scare people away with his own behavior. But whatever method he chooses, he always confirms his original theory, and this flatters his vanity.

QUESTION: Well, I do not. Something, but it certainly will not deliver pleasure.

ANSWER: You will be surprised, but it is so! The feeling of being right is one of the most pleasant feelings available to a person. Or rather, the feeling of being wrong is one of the most unpleasant sensations in the world. The feeling of making a mistake deals a terrible blow to self-esteem. That is why people change so reluctantly. After all, this would mean admitting one's own mistakes. One of my patients once screamed in indignation, "But that means I wasted the first 40 years of my life!" Some people would rather make the same mistake for another forty years than admit it and stop hurting themselves! People are very stubborn. Sometimes they secretly hope that by continuing their wrong line of behavior long enough, they will make it right. They hope that reality will adjust to their views, and not vice versa, and they still try to get their parents to admit their guilt and are still embittered because they did not receive something in childhood.

They believe that they have every right to be so bitter and can describe in detail the unfair treatment of their parents. Usually they are right: in childhood they were really deceived. But the trouble is that now, as adults, they deceive themselves! As long as they waste their energy on anger towards those who once offended them, they will not be able to direct their efforts towards achieving the goals of today. Their anger no longer offends their parents, but causes irreparable harm to themselves.

QUESTION: But, damn it, it's not fair, and you think that they should get away with everything? Do you think they should forget the past? And this is after all that we had to endure through the fault of our parents!

ANSWER: Yes, it's unfair! Alas, parents really got away with it, and today you can't do anything about it. We all begin to live as the smallest and most dependent of the members of the family - the world closest to us. Our helplessness at this time is not a theory; it is a fact. In the early stages of establishing relations with the world, we have to use the services of others. At the age of five we need a mother; we must cajole and appease her in order to get what we want. Our life literally depends on it. To achieve our goals, we children must be able to manage adults. In order to deserve a candy or a trip to the cinema, we must win them over. That is why, in childhood, people look back at others and learn to evoke love, empathy, and understanding in them. And only secondarily do we look back at ourselves. Our mistake is that this feeling of helplessness, this need for the support of other people, we take with us into adulthood. What was once reality becomes fantasy. Your well-being as an adult is not entirely dependent on your ability to please others. What others used to do for you, you can now do yourself. When you are thirty, you do not need the motherly love that you received at the age of three. You no longer need to treat your mother the way you did when you were a child. You don't have to be afraid of her displeasure. Today you belong to yourself. But many do not want to realize this.

QUESTION: But why? Why don't they use this freedom?

ANSWER: People are afraid of losing something they think they can't do without. The French philosopher Rousseau owns the often quoted saying: "Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains." However, closer to the truth would be: "Man is born in chains, but each of us has the opportunity to become free." Too often people are unwilling to let go of their chains.

QUESTION: Why is this happening? What are we so afraid of losing?
ANSWER: What we hold on to so much is actually a childish sense of security. When we were small and helpless, we felt the presence of invisible but omnipotent adults. They could not be very kind, these adults, and we constantly expected them to reproach and shout. However, while they are here, next to us, we are not alone. We are no longer afraid that the adult will leave and we will be left completely alone.

This feeling is a relic of distant childhood. Being abandoned is a terrible prospect for a child, and he really sometimes cannot survive this. Another thing is the loneliness of an adult. Loneliness is sometimes even necessary for him to grow and know himself. A person who is not able to endure loneliness, simply, apparently, did not understand that he was already an adult!

It takes courage to let go of that childlike sense of security. And most importantly - awareness of the integrity of oneself as a person. From this moment begins adulthood!

QUESTION: When you say this, I feel you are right. Self-reliance means insecurity. I don't know why, but something in me protests against it.

ANSWER: And not only in you! Many hold themselves back from such a step, and the reason is the fear of the consequences of the choice. This is also a myth generated by childhood. After all, when we were children, there were two adults in our world - a man and a woman. They were "big", these adults. What happens to the child seems to him the only possible course of events. Hence the idea that there can be only one man and one woman in the world. And if someone wants to establish himself as an adult, then he must defeat someone else. If there is not enough space for everyone in the family, the achievements of one will always be the envy of the others, and how desperate every action becomes then!

When we take our life into our own hands, we feel as if we are taking it away from someone else. We feel like we've dealt a death blow to our parents. If the consequences are so devastating, there is nothing to be surprised at the hesitation of many people. What villains we become, barely starting an independent life! The feeling of guilt for the committed crime is unbearable for people, so they backtrack. But it is necessary to cope with this feeling and move forward. Such is the price of self-affirmation!

IF YOU SUBDIVE YOUR NEEDS, IMPRESSIONS AND DESIRES TO THEIR WILL, YOU WILL NEVER BECOME SELF-INDEPENDENT

ANSWER: You will take this decisive step and see that no one is in danger of death - no one but old ghosts. In the event that you, of course, do not hesitate too much, because then reality can adapt to your fantasies. I know a woman who thought that if she had a child it would kill her mother.

And she waited until the age of forty, when her mother actually died. But usually the outcome is much less tragic. Emotional stinginess - this source of envy, resentment and conflict - is actually a myth. This is a kind of logic of magical thinking, greatly exaggerating our influence on the rest of the world. In fact, everything is completely different. Your success does not take away anything from anyone. If you have achieved something more, it does not make me something less.

There is enough room in the world for many outstanding people and outstanding accomplishments. Really realizing this, you will not feel disadvantaged, on the contrary, you will enjoy the success of others. And you will be able to achieve your goals without feeling anxiety or guilt towards anyone.
But your possibilities are not eternal. If you don't "get" them today, consider them lost forever.

That is why people are still afraid to look themselves in the eye. They believe that they have an eternity ahead of them, that they will always have time for what they want. They think they are playing a game where holding out long enough is winning. Eventually the enemy will give in and give them everything they want. But life convinces - if you wait, you will lose your chances. You have at your disposal not eternity, but time, and you must coordinate your actions with it. Yes, there are no limits to human capabilities, but time is limited.

We are, of course, aware of this. Often people suffer from an obsessive fear of aging, and instead they should think about how best to use the remaining time!

QUESTION A: That sounds so wise. But this is much easier said than done. Are you asking too much of people? Who among us can always adjust our views to reality? I also know something about life, but when I am disappointed, I become impatient and need consolation, and really - can you expect people to have such a maturity that you talk about?

ANSWER: And they don't need to be mature! This is another mistake of those who imagine adulthood as a door that opens only outward and, moreover, once. But growing up is not a one way trip. Adults may retain childish traits. Children sometimes behave in a very adult way. Childhood and maturity are not mutually exclusive, and this is good: otherwise, an unbridgeable gulf would form between generations.

There is nothing wrong with parents becoming children from time to time - absolutely adult people inspire some fear. The same situation occurs in marriage. A successful marriage implies a very adult relationship between spouses. But husbands and wives can be everything to each other - parents, playmates, as well as lovers and partners. When you need it - and everyone needs it - you can be treated like a baby.

QUESTION A: That's very comforting to hear. I feel much better knowing that I don't have to be a "superstar". It seems to me that I tried to do this, and then the people around me felt that I was looking down on them, and they did not like it at all.

ANSWER: Yes, but the child is in each of us, and we should be kind to him. After all, giving up something at the age of twenty-five, people do not at all take this something away from their four-year-old self. No one can take away from you what happened in childhood! Adults often show tenderness towards children, but, discovering childish manifestations in themselves, they are horrified by this, feeling disgust for themselves, and "renounce" the childish part of their "I".

This probably begins in the process of growing up, which is the acquisition of the ability to relate to the experience in a new way. People begin to have a negative attitude towards old habits and ways of life, and here are the origins of self-hatred. A truly growing person has the courage and self-confidence necessary to break through into the new and gradually move away from the old. He moves forward because he is interested in accepting the challenge of reality. He may be frightened, but at the same time he is attracted to the unknown. This does not mean that you should despise your old self. You simply move away from what you no longer need because you see something better ahead of you.

QUESTION: It sounds easy and simple. But actually growing up is not easy. Growing up is a painful and terribly difficult process, when you don’t know where you are going and whether you can even get somewhere.

ANSWER A: Well, growing pains are quite real. When kids have to take an important new step forward, they sometimes have to get pretty tough on their old habits. They no longer need these habits, but a partial need for them still remains, so their behavior during this period is very self-willed and disturbs others. What I'm talking about is clear to any parent. But if this denial of the old self goes too far, instead of growing up, self-hatred arises. A person can learn to do without the satisfaction of those needs that he thinks he has outgrown, and this will impoverish him. We must grow up not by rebelling against the old self, but by trying to use its strengths. We must admit that it has served us well, but it is time for something new.

QUESTION: I remember someone saying that the only way to true maturity is through true childhood.

ANSWER: It's right! A fulfilling childhood affects the personality. Good, smart parents help the child move forward. The tragedy of an unhappy childhood is that people often get hung up on it and go through life looking back at their difficult past, at what happened to them once, what they had or wanted. They waste time constantly trying to catch the happiness that they lacked so much in childhood, instead of experiencing the joys inherent in adulthood.

QUESTION: That's what drug addicts often look for in drugs, isn't it?

ANSWER: Yes. They want to go back, fortunately. But they don't succeed. To do this, you need to go forward, which is much more difficult. Going forward means taking risks, discovering something new and, as you said, not being sure that you will be able to achieve the goal.
That's why people don't want to stop suffering because they only have suffering and they don't believe that anything else can exist. One of Faulkner's heroes says: "If I choose between suffering and nothing, I choose suffering." But our choice is between suffering and a full-blooded life. The first steps towards such a life can be painful, you may have to experience the acute pain of loneliness and loss. But the fact is that you were alone without it, and your losses are also a thing of the past. What you are losing now is just a dream.

QUESTION: You said that we need to take the first steps. What are these steps? Where to start?

ANSWER: The first step is to give up the dream, rather, even gradually weaken its influence, because no one manages to do this right away. This step is so important that no one can advise how to do it. There must be some illumination.

QUESTION: But what exactly can be done to bring this "enlightenment" closer?

LEARN ATTENTION FIRST

ANSWER: If your business is not going the way you would like, think about whether it's your fault. You may need to analyze something. Why do you keep being unfriendly to yourself? Why are you putting obstacles up for yourself? What benefit does it bring to you? Don't you secretly think that if you show enough helplessness, then someone will come and take your burden upon themselves? Are you sure that failure will arouse the sympathy of others for you?

QUESTION: You talked about that inner novel that is being written all your life. It's like putting on a play in which we play our part and hope that someone will play the other characters exactly as we imagine. But if it's all fantasy, then why do we play such ungrateful roles?

ANSWER: That's the whole point. These roles are not as ungrateful as they seem, in everything bad that we do to ourselves, there is usually an expectation of some kind of reward. And punishment can be a very real reward. Some children feel loved only when they are punished. After all, the only alternative to punishment from parents is indifference, and this is the worst thing.

Therefore, even as adults, we do not stop trying to win over the people whose opinion was once decisive for us. When people are in complete control of themselves, when they know who they are and who they really are, the time comes for real openness to others. When you stop trying to get people to give you what they can't give you, you can enjoy what they have to offer you. People can open whole worlds to each other, but first they must have access to their own world.

QUESTION: So for an adult, intimacy is something completely different from the intimacy that a child needs?

ANSWER: And besides, something much more pleasant ... If you are looking for such closeness that helps you, small and helpless, find protection from someone big and strong, then you are always in danger of completely disappearing. Adult love does not belittle the lover, it makes us stronger and richer.

QUESTION: Do you think that the risk of love is not as great as we think?

ANSWER: Love is always a risk: you offer yourself, but you can always be rejected, which is why many people choose not to love at all; they are more willing to live in self-isolation than to take the risks associated with love. But an adult, loving, does not risk his individuality. After all, he already has it and will remain regardless of ANSWER but a loved one. If he loses a loved one, then he will still have himself. But if you need someone else to assert your individuality, then the loss can make you feel the deepest emptiness.

QUESTION: In your opinion, even in the strongest love, it is necessary to maintain a sense of one's independence?

ANSWER: In the moments of the highest intimacy, this feeling is usually lost. But sharing yourself with a loved one does not mean being completely absorbed by him.

QUESTION: I would not want a life in which there is no love!

ANSWER: And who would like that? Love enriches, makes full-blooded our whole life. I thought about one of my relatives. She is now in her ninth decade. She lives alone on the edge of the California desert. One day I asked her how she was spending her time and she ANSWER silt: "I miss a few hours in a day!" Having recently visited her, we understood what she had in mind. In our presence, she arranged a literary evening. To do this, I had to prepare a weekly reading passage and bake a cake.

And besides, she takes lessons in creative writing, and in her free time from cultural activities, she gardens, goes to visit and conducts extensive correspondence with friends, relatives and even radio commentators. At the same time, she not only fills her time with deeds, but also gets real pleasure from her activities.

A few years ago, she went abroad alone and had a great time there. On the way back she stayed with us, and her presence was pleasant to everyone, because she is quite happy when we go about our usual business. She did not expect that we, having returned home from work, would begin to entertain her. Her expression never said, "I'm waiting for you to feed me!" She learned to feed herself and enjoyed it.

QUESTION: How to learn to "feed yourself"?

ANSWER: It is important to learn to listen to yourself. Most of us know how to silence our inner voice. In childhood, this voice is always clear - babies know well when they want to eat, when something hurts them. But later, other people's voices begin to sound more confident than our own. Why? Because it is easiest to act on the advice of others. After all, others have already thought of everything, and it remains only for us to bring their plans to fruition.
To "attune" to yourself, you need practice, you need to wake up your inner voice. If we stopped listening to it long enough, we can barely hear it. If we learn to listen, we will discover many new and very interesting things for ourselves.

QUESTION: Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll hear something terrible. Isn't something hidden in us that, when it comes to the surface, can upset the psyche? Isn't that the goal of psychoanalysts? To help people "dig up" the hidden and calmly sort it out, perhaps even get rid of it...

ANSWER: Of course, psychoanalysts can help you find the reasons for the wrong attitude towards yourself. Some people are so selflessly hurting themselves and so little understanding of the reasons for their behavior that psychoanalysis is the only way to get them out of this destructive circle!

Psychoanalysis is a great instrument of liberation. Many people can do for themselves useful with the help of a psychoanalyst, and one of the reasons for their failure is the inability to understand that the source of change is not outside, but within them. But in order to change your life, you need a conscious decision to take your life into your own hands. Alas, many do not want to make such a decision. They believe that from now on, a psychoanalyst will take care of them, and they themselves can step back.

But people forget that a good parent is one who helps a child learn to respect himself and take care of himself. Someone said: by giving a person food, you can satisfy his hunger for a day, but by teaching him to get food on his own, you will feed him for life.
One decision to take matters into your own hands is not enough. In order to get rid of bad habits, intelligence and will are needed. Note that you yourself can resist your own efforts, since some part of you is quite satisfied with the old image.

QUESTION: True, many people are very reluctant to change, but seriously, it's not just about changing comfortable habits.

ANSWER: To get rid of bad habits, you need perseverance. It is not enough just to want to change. You have to want it even when you don't want it. There are many ways. You must constantly monitor your actions. Every time you recognize a moment of low self-esteem, stop yourself and turn "up".

This requires realism. People often want to achieve perfection and get frustrated when they don't. Perfection is not for people. Perhaps only some works of art are perfect. A perfect man - whatever these words mean - would be unbearable for those around him.

DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF AT ALL! ACCEPT YOURSELF AS YOU ARE!

QUESTION A: Accept our mistakes? And I thought that the goal was precisely to end the chaos of the inner world!

ANSWER: If you did it, you would be the only person who succeeded.

QUESTION: So, you need to constantly monitor yourself and work on yourself? You can get tired of thinking about it. And where is the lively interest, where is the energy of spontaneity, which we spoke about at the beginning?

ANSWER: People often talk about their desire for spontaneity of life in accordance with feelings. They have locked themselves in intellectual boxes and are hardly aware of their true feelings. They are desperate to experience at least some, artless emotions.

We all have a certain set of programmed reactions - the memory of notations once read to us, school truths, "grandmother's tales", nostalgia for the past. And all this is mixed with true feelings. Therefore, in practice, "spontaneity" means snatching the first thing that comes across from the chaos of life and accepting it as a "message from the depths." But there is a lot of turbidity floating in these depths.

In order to establish the true origin of such a "message", you need to analyze your reaction. It is necessary to decide what to choose as the basis for action, what ANSWER serves our true interests. This does not mean every minute surveillance of oneself. But in order to learn to live in ANSWER in touch with your true feelings, you need work. If you really want to put in the effort, interest and energy will come later.

People claim to want to "let go" of themselves. In reality, they need to learn to "hold themselves." Only when you achieve this, you can allow yourself to relax, make your actions spontaneous and expect good results.

That's why sex is more satisfying for adults. Only mature people have the self-control to "release the brakes", knowing that this does not threaten their personality. It sounds paradoxical, but this is one of the secrets of love.
QUESTION: Your reasoning is becoming more and more convincing. And yet I'm still not sure if I know enough. What else can I do?

ANSWER A: You also have to learn to talk to yourself. It is very important. You need to be able to explain something to yourself, to support yourself with a word. We need to establish a stable dialogue. It can help you in any difficult situation. If you pay attention, you can catch this moment and consider a possible course of action. It is very important to know that you really have the power to stop yourself. It's difficult at first, but it gets easier with time.

QUESTION: It turns out that human freedom entirely depends only on this moment of choice. How limited are our possibilities then!

ANSWER: And besides, you do not always use them successfully. Most of what terrifies you so much about yourself is actually not so terrifying at all. We often continue to harm ourselves just to prove that we are just as terrible people as we thought we were as children.
Instead, try to understand the reasons for your failures and get back on the right track. All the kindness and attention, all the love and help that you could give a child, you must give yourself.

If you know your child well, then accurately determine when he needs to be pressured, when he needs comfort, and when he needs to be left alone. Having studied the child in yourself, you will gain a similar confidence in your actions here. You will know when to treat him with condescension, and when - with exactingness. You have to get used to this child. Hug him, befriend him. It will infuse new strength in you.

QUESTION: If we do all this, if we understand everything you said, will our lives really change so much?

ANSWER: If we learn to love and support ourselves, we will gain untold wealth. We will still have many problems, there will be real defeats. You cannot escape from your human nature, which is characterized by suffering, difficulties and hardships. But we will be able to mobilize all our strength to accept the challenge of life and make the most of it for ourselves. Having freed ourselves from fantasies and having known the true measure of our capabilities, we will open great prospects before us.

People often feel the need to see themselves tired of life, having tried everything and exhausted all their possibilities, in short, giving up on themselves. But as soon as we begin to use our capabilities to the fullest, we get access to an untouched supply of energy, to that bank account, the existence of which we did not suspect, and therefore did not use it. This is the cheapest form of entertainment: this energy is inexhaustible, and you will never get bored.

QUESTION: It seems you have revealed to us the secret of life. I would like to believe that we can all learn to live this way.

ANSWER: Without any doubt. I have seen so many people succeed and they literally come back to life. We can all help ourselves to change, grow and realize our potential - in a word, make friends with ourselves. If we do this, we will have a friend for life!
Newman M., Berkowitz B., Owen D. Weekly "Family", M., 1992, No 1-2.